iDouble Date
by lillypilly11
Summary: Sam/Freddie fic. When Carly's new boyfriend thinks her friendship with Freddie is a little weird, she panics and makes up the stupidest lie ever. Now all she has to do is get Sam and Freddie to play along. She is so doomed...
1. Chapter 1

A/N: This is my first iCarly fic, but I'm just loving the show so much right now it had to be done. Story setting is sometime after _iThink They Kissed_.

* * *

Carly Shay was in a good mood. Not only was school done for the day, which always helped matters, but she was walking to the Groovy Smoothie, to have a smoothie no less, with her brand new boyfriend.

Well, sort of.

Yes, he was tall, and he was nice and funny, and he had really great hair, and he was in the tenth grade and was saving up for a car -- so, the perfect guy, basically. They'd even been on two completely awesome dates so far, in addition to phone calls and texting, and spending time together at school. All of this was true. But they hadn't actually stated out loud that they were boyfriend and girlfriend, and it wasn't like she was going to say it first. So no, technically he wasn't her boyfriend, except in her not at all deluded mind.

But that wasn't going to spoil her mood. Practically skipping down the sidewalk, she wasn't really thinking about much of anything other than a few idle thoughts concerning how adorable the tall boy at her side was, and whether she wanted a strawberry splat today or a more adventurous flavour. So it was Jude who ended up pointing to the entrance of the Groovy Smoothie up ahead and saying, "Hey, isn't that your friend, Freddie?"

"Oh yeah," she said, looking over to see Freddie emerging onto the street with three large cups balanced in his hands. "Hey Freddie!" she called as they got closer.

"Oh hey," he turned and managed to wave without dropping anything. Freddie had gotten taller in recent months but he still had to look up to greet her boyfriend-although-not-yet-technically. "Hey, Jude."

"I know we have rehearsals," Carly jumped in then before Freddie could say anything else, "But you go ahead. Jude and I are just grabbing a smoothie and then I'll be up in, what, twenty minutes? You don't have long, right?" she said, looking up at the taller boy.

Jude checked his watch. "Yeah, not much, sorry. I work at the Up-N-Down Burger around the corner a few afternoons a week," he explained for Freddie's benefit. "Is it cool if I monopolise your star for just a few minutes before my shift starts?"

"Oh, it's totally cool," Freddie replied with a small smirk aimed at Carly, which she ignored. "And hey, this might save you some time." He tried to hand her one of the smoothies he was carrying. "I actually got this for you," he said, then paused to correct himself. "No, actually, I came to get _myself_ a smoothie, then realised if I showed up at your place with only one, Sam was just going to steal it, or pour it down my pants or something. So I had to get her one, too. And then it would have been just plain rude if I left you out. So, here."

"How thoughtful," she laughed, rolling her eyes. Freddy was still waiting for her to take the smoothie, but she waved him off. "Thanks, but why don't you give it to Spencer? Jude and I will get our own."

For a moment she thought he was going to protest, but then he just shrugged. "Okay. I'll see you later, then. Don't be too long, we really have to get that armpit footage done today. Bye Jude."

"See ya, Freddie," Jude said as Carly gave him a brief wave goodbye and then together they headed inside. Jude gave her a look as they went over to the counter to order. "Uh, 'armpit footage'?"

She laughed. "Sorry, it's kind of a trade secret." Then she leaned in towards him and spoke in an undertone, "It's gonna be so funny, though."

Shortly after that they were seated together at a table with their smoothies and a whole ten minutes of quality time to look forward to. Carly, personally, was going to spend that time trying not to do or say anything stupid. Also trying not to stare at his hair too much. And if the first thirty seconds were any indication, Jude was going to spend _his_ ten minutes sitting there being totally gorgeous and perfect. Yeah, it was official, her technically-not-yet-really-her-boyfriend was the dreamiest.

Then he opened his mouth and said, "So, Freddie's like your best friend, isn't he?"

"Well, no, more like second best. Sam's my best friend, and if I put Freddie on the same level as her, well, let's just say there would be problems. Like when you have a cat, and then you bring home a new cat and the first one... There would be problems," she concluded.

"Huh. Okay." He shrugged as if accepting it, but then made kind of a weird face.

"What?"

He shook his head. "I don't want to seem -- I don't wanna be _that_ guy, you know? But I heard some stuff about Freddie and how he kind of... likes you?"

"Oh, that? That's... nothing, really. So totally nothing. I mean..." She trailed off, not really knowing what to say, but there was Jude, still with that weird face.

Well crap, she thought. Stupid Freddie and his stupid crush. And she loved the kid, really, but right now all she wanted to do was kick him _so hard_.

Jude held up his hands. "And hey, I'm not saying -- I swear I don't want to be that guy. It's none of my business, I know. I guess it just seems weird because you're such good friends. But what do I know? I've never been best friends with a girl, so maybe things just get... complicated? I guess?"

"No! They don't! There is no complication!"

"Okay..."

And now she was scaring the guy. Great.

She attempted a smile, and calmly said, "Anyway, you don't have to worry about that, um, that little harmless crush thing, because that's long over. Long, long over."

"Really? Because when we saw him just now he seemed kinda --"

"Freddie has a girlfriend!" she blurted out, then mentally cringed because what was _that_? It was a huge lie, is what it was, and she was pretty sure that wasn't a good thing.

"Oh, okay," Jude was saying with a shrug. "Still, I mean from what I heard --"

"Yeah, they've been going out for ages, it's pretty serious."

More lies! That was it, she wasn't allowed to talk any more. Carly stuck her straw in her mouth and sucked furiously on her smoothie.

"So who is it?" Jude said.

She kept sucking and just raised a pair of perfectly innocent eyebrows at him.

"I mean, who's Freddie going out with?" he pressed.

Well okay, now she was going to have to answer him. And he was sitting there with his perfect hair and his awesome cheekbones and she _wanted_ to answer him. She wanted to tell him whatever would make him just sit there and continue to be adorable in her presence for_ever_.

"Um," she said, after swallowing two-thirds of her smoothie in one go, "I can't tell you, it's a secret?"

"You kinda sound like you're not sure," he said, laughing.

She forced out a laugh too. "Well... they don't want anybody to know about it, so yes, it's a secret."

Frowning a little -- and whoa, Carly just had the biggest urge to reach over and smooth his adorably wrinkled brow -- Jude took a sip of his smoothie, then another. "Well now I just really wanna know who it is," he broke out, and they both laughed some more.

"Sorry! I'm not tellin'!" She kept laughing, relieved, because it was all working out and it was going to be fine. So she'd given Freddy a secret girlfriend! No big deal. She could handle it, just so long as Jude didn't make that weird face at her again.

"Hey, is it your friend Sam?"

She narrowly missed stabbing herself in the eye with her straw. "What?" She was still laughing, but nervously now.

"You know, that'd be funny, because they always kind of act like they don't like each other. It'd be like a movie. They hate each other but they're secretly in love?"

"Oh, yeah, so funny..."

Jude shrugged. "Or not, I don't know. It just seems a little out there, I mean, we're teenagers, like what does Freddie and this girl have to hide?"

"I..."

She had absolutely no idea what to say to that. She was so done for. And it was such a shame because he was just. So. Adorable.

"So anyway," Jude was looking at his watch, "I should get going soon. But hey, for the record? I'd never want to hide you and me."

"Oh," she said, her eyes growing huge. The adorable boy was saying nice things about her.

"Yeah, _oh_," he returned playfully. "I even told my parents to check out iCarly this week, so they could see my cool new girlfriend."

That was it. He'd said it. _Girlfriend_.

She was his girlfriend! Which made him her boyfriend. _Officially._ Oh shoosh yeah. She couldn't wait to tell Sam.

"And my grandmother too, by the way," Jude added, still talking while Carly silently flipped the heck out. "She's really into all this online stuff, she even has her own splashface channel, you should --"

"It's Sam!"

"Huh?"

"You were right, Sam and Freddie are dating!"

"Oh." Slowly Jude reached over and took her hand. "Thanks. It's really cool that you trust me enough to tell me."

He continued to looked dreamily at her for an entire two minutes longer over the remains of their smoothies before he had to go, running late for his shift.

It was almost enough to make up for the impending doom hanging over her head. But only almost.


	2. Chapter 2

A/N: Wow, thanks for all the reviews! This part is Carly POV again, but next chapter we'll switch over to Freddie.

* * *

Carly entered her apartment at a run. She knew if she slowed down for even a second she was going to start thinking about what she had to do and that was just going to make everything so much worse.

Spencer, who happened to be crossing the room at that very moment, got in her way and she grabbed him on her way to the stairs. "Where are Sam and Freddie?" she demanded loudly.

"They're upstairs rehearsing! Why are we yelling?" he replied, just as loudly.

"Because things are going really well with me and Jude and I really like him and that means I'm a dead woman!"

"Of course that makes perfect sense!" he shouted after her as she let him go and took the stairs two at a time.

"You guys have to stop what you're doing!" she yelled as she burst into the room. "Right now! Stop everything! I have to tell you something! And there's good news and there's bad news and the good news is really good because Jude and I are officially boyfriend and girlfriend and I love him you guys, I _love_ him, but then there's the bad news which is really, really bad and I'm sorry but there was just no other way around it so I don't wanna hear any complaints!" She stopped abruptly, panting heavily, to find that Sam and Freddie had indeed stopped what they were doing, were still frozen in place, staring at her as she paced back and forth and tried to think of the best way to break it to them. Preferably a way that didn't involve her violent bloody death, or worse, having to break up with Jude.

Sam, who was sitting on a chair in the middle of the studio, wearing a tank top with her arms stretched up over her head, turned her head to watch as Carly went by.

Freddie, who was holding a camera on Sam, getting pre-recorded footage for a bit they were doing on this week's show, slowly lowered the camera and switched it off.

A few more seconds of silence passed in which neither of them said anything, and Carly continued to pace agitatedly.

"Yeah I didn't get any of that," Sam said finally.

"Me neither. Is it possible that Carly might be upset about something?" Freddie said.

They both smirked.

Carly threw her arms up in the air and flopped down into the nearest bean bag. "Oh and we _cannot_ do 'If Armpits Could Talk' on this week's iCarly."

Sam let her arms drop and she swivelled in her chair. "What? But it's going to kill. Armpits! With little talking Spencer faces! Dude!"

Carly swallowed. It _was_ going to be awesome, it was true. They'd already filmed close-ups of Spencer saying various funny things, and Freddie was going to use his tech know-how to superimpose her brother's facial features onto her and Sam's armpits and hilarity was of course going to ensue. But...

"I know," she said, "But Jude's _parents_ and his _grandmother_ are going to be watching the show to see his new girlfriend and I cannot have anyone's face talking random junk out of my pits okay?"

"Well so what are we going to do instead?" Freddie said.

"Toe people?" Sam said.

"Toe people," Carly agreed. "Feet are respectable."

Sam shrugged. "Sure, 'If Armpits Could Talk' will keep till the next show. Once you've already made a good first impression on the old folks, then we can go back to pushing the boundaries of good taste."

Carly smiled at Sam gratefully. Sam always knew exactly what she was thinking in these situations. Sam was such a good friend. It was just a shame this conversation was going to rapidly devolve into bloodshed and murder.

"Hey," she said, her smile which had been genuine becoming forced, "You guys, thanks."

"So was that what all the fuss was about?" Freddie asked, looking over at her from where he was doing something at the laptop.

"Oh," she said, laughing nervously, "Not really..."

* * *

"Okay you two need to calm down!"

They were in a stand-off, the three of them facing each other in the middle of the studio, Sam and Freddie giving each other a wide berth while still glaring at Carly and making an awful lot of noise.

"Why? Why would I want to calm down?" Freddie said, not at all calmly. "It's the stupidest thing I've ever heard!"

"No," Sam held up a hand, "Freddie, she's right. There's no need to get all excited about it."

Carly stared at her. Freddie stopped yelling and stared at Sam, too. "Huh?" they both said at once.

Sam, very calmly, pulled her cell phone from her pocket and turned away.

"What are you doing?" Carly asked suspiciously.

"I'm calling your stupid boyfriend and telling him what a big fat crazy liar you are."

"No!" she shrieked, leaping at Sam and grabbing her hands to prevent them from pressing any more keys. "Sam, please don't?"

Sam looked at her pleading eyes for a moment before relaxing her death grip on the phone. "Fine. But you are a big fat crazy liar."

Carly let her go, backing off a few steps to look at both of them again. "I know. I'm so sorry you guys, I just panicked, and now I can't just tell him I lied to him."

"Why would you even tell him that in the first place?" Freddie demanded. "It's insane."

"It's insulting," Sam added. "I'd never go out with this nub."

"And I'd rather date a rabid grizzly bear than Sam."

"Yeah, well I'd rather date the crud stuck to the bottom of my shoe than you, Benson."

"Well I'd rather date my great aunt Magda who smells like cat food and liniment!"

"I'd rather date that crazy hobo on the corner with the mouldy facial hair!"

"I'd rather date --"

"HOW IS THIS HELPING?" Carly exploded, drawing their attention away from each other and back to her.

Sam sighed. "No, but seriously, we've come up with some wacky ideas in our time, but this has to be the most wacked of them all. If I didn't know how hopelessly law-abiding you can be, I'd swear you were on drugs."

For a moment, Carly almost said 'well actually it was Jude's wacky idea that you two were dating!' Because frankly the idea _was_ wacky in the extreme, and she never would have come up with it on her own. But she shut herself up just in time, because if she said that then Sam and Freddie would be all mad at Jude for inferring things, and she didn't want them to be mad at her boyfriend. She wanted them all to be friends and get along, so that she could continue to happily date him forever and ever. Or at least until junior prom.

Instead she just said, "Did we not already cover the part where I panicked? Guys, what am I going to do?"

"I don't know," Sam replied earnestly. "I do know I'm not pretending to be Freddie's girlfriend. Because there just isn't enough vomit in the world."

"Yeah yeah, backatcha," Freddie said.

"Well..." Carly began tentatively, "But what if... I don't know... you guys could maybe... for me?"

Sam and Freddie looked over at each other, and Carly held her breath. This was it. Surely they could put aside their petty conflict and help their best friend out with this one little problem.

"_No,_" Freddie said.

"Nuh-uh."

"Never."

"Puke-city here we come."

"What she said."

She stomped her foot. "Just listen! I told Jude that you two didn't want people to know, so that's why you never act like a couple, right? I mean why couldn't you just, I don't know, _confirm_ you're a couple if he comes right out and _asks_, but otherwise, you could, like, just go about your business as usual? Wouldn't that be kind of easy?"

Freddie was emphatically shaking his head in refusal, arms crossed resolutely over his chest.

Sam was dry-heaving.

Carly sighed. It was going to be a long night.

* * *

The next morning at school, Carly and Sam were at their lockers, Freddie with them, his books ready for class under his arm.

Carly was saying, "So if we see Jude, you guys know what to do. Don't make those faces at me, it won't even be that hard."

Sam and Freddie exchanged a look.

Which they'd been doing a lot lately, Carly noted. She didn't even think they realised what they were doing, or when they had developed this non-verbal communication method that seemed to focus solely on how crazy Carly was acting at any given moment.

Which wasn't crazy at all. Not _that_ crazy, especially considering she had a new boyfriend. Allowances had to be made.

"Look, I'm still not convinced this is a good idea," Freddie said.

"I know," Carly replied. "But you're gonna do it anyway, because you're both _such good friends_," she told them firmly.

When that didn't seem to go down well, she switched to begging. "Guys come on, do it for me? You said you would last night and I'm really depending on you because I really like this guy and I think he likes me too and he's so cute I mean haven't you _seen_ his hair? And I swear I'll make sure he doesn't tell anyone or bug you about it too much and it's not like you have to _make out_ with each other in front of him or go on a real date or even hold hands or _anything_ I mean god is it really too much to ask?" she demanded shrilly, having moved quickly beyond begging and right on into tantrum mode.

Sam rolled her eyes. "Ergh fine, whatever. I guess so long as we don't have to do anything."

"Right. You don't have to do anything. At all. Just pretend to be dating." Sam's eyes snapped back to her. "If he asks about it! Which I'm sure he won't. Come on. Please? I'll buy you a smoothie."

"You'll buy me smoothies for a month."

"Okay!" she agreed happily. Smoothies! She could do smoothies. Quite frankly, she thought that was getting off easy.

"Fine. But I'm gonna be pretty thirsty. Just so you know."

"Hey, so she gets free smoothies? What do I get?" Freddie said.

"My eternal gratitude?"

He frowned. "I think I'd prefer the smoothies."

"Sorry," she shrugged, "Sam got in first."

Sam waved a dismissive hand at Freddie. "Don't worry, he's just cranky because he has to help you and Mr McHottie live happily ever after."

"Yeah," Freddie agreed, "And free smoothies would go a long way to ease that pain."

"Give it up."

"Yeah okay." He heaved a sigh.

Carly was still laughing when she realised the three of them weren't alone.

"Hey Carly," Jude said, coming over to stand beside her, smiling with his hands stuffed in his pockets adorably.

She grinned widely at him, barely even remembering the part where she was supposed to say 'hi' back. Sam rolled her eyes a little, grabbed Carly's wrist, and waved a floppy hand at Jude. "Carly says hey."

"_Sam_," Carly hissed, snatching her hand back, mortified, but when she looked up and found Jude laughing -- yes, adorably, the boy did _everything_ adorably, including laughter -- she just laughed too.

"Oh hey you guys," Jude greeted Sam and Freddie, who immediately exchanged a wary glance.

"Hey Jude," they chorused flatly in a fantastic display of unenthusiasm, making Carly cringe inside.

"Uh, so like Carly probably said she told me about, well, you know. But don't worry, it's cool, I'm not into spreading rumours. Although personally..." he looked back at Carly and held out his hand to take hers, which, hell yeah she let him. Jude continued, "Personally, I want everyone to know about me and Carly."

"Yeah, your grandma must be so happy for you," Sam deadpanned.

Jude chuckled. Carly kept grinning. She shuffled over and kicked Sam in the ankle, but she kept grinning.

The bell went then, and they all sighed, Carly and Jude in resignation, Sam and Freddie in relief.

"Hey, so, gotta get to class," Freddie said.

"Yeah, what a shame," Sam added, shoving him off in the direction they were going. "Move it dork!"

"Uh..." Jude looked at them, puzzled, and Carly froze and tried not to freak out. Glaring at the backs of her two so-called friends as they scurried off she mentally berated them for not even being able to act like civilised people for _two minutes_. But then Jude's hand tightened on hers and he glanced at her before calling out, "Hey, before you guys go?"

The pair stilled, and turned around reluctantly. "Yeah?" Sam said warily.

Jude shrugged and shortened the distance between them, drawing Carly along with him. "Listen, you guys must not get to go out a lot, you know, since you don't want anyone to know? But I was thinking it'd be cool if we all went as a group, that way we could just be hanging out, and no one but us would have to know it's really a double date."

Carly felt her eyes widen at this. This... this was not good. She stared up at Jude, who was smiling happily, all pleased with himself about this brilliant idea of his. And then she risked a look at Sam and Freddie.

Freddie, looking pale, swallowed hard. "A double..."

"_Date?_" Sam finished, staring furiously, although not at Jude. No, she was staring furiously at _Carly_, kind of like she wanted to stick hot knives in her eyes. Carly looked away quickly, fixed a smile on her face, and looked back up at Jude.

Jude. Sweet, unknowing Jude. His hair, she took a brief mental time-out to notice, was looking extra perfect this morning. She wanted to run her fingers through it _so badly_.

"Sure," she heard herself saying as if from a great distance, "That sounds like fun."

"Oh, great, how about this Saturday?"

"Okay," she said.

Sam gaped. "Did you just say -- did she just say --"

"_Okay?_" Freddie choked out.

Jude said, "It's cute how you guys finish each other's sentences all the time. But hey, I'm gonna be late." With one last squeeze of her hand he was gone.

Carly was left to face the music.

Carly really, really, did not want to face the music.

"Wow, yeah, _so_ late... Byeyouguysseeyoulater!" She ran for it.

"You're a dead woman Carly Shay!" Sam yelled, the words echoing down the wide school corridor after her.

She just kept her head down and didn't look back.

For some reason, she found herself laughing.


	3. Chapter 3

"Maybe she's not coming," Freddie said for the third time. "Maybe she figured out we're here, and she's hiding out somewhere else. That's what I'd do if it were me."

Sam stretched her arms out along the back of the sofa, making herself comfortable. "Nope. She was going to walk home with Jude again, because he's working this afternoon. Not even her need to hide from us like the big chicken she is would stop her from doing that. Afterward, she'll come straight home."

"But --"

"Un-wad, Dorkwad. She's gotta show sometime."

This was of course true. Carly had managed to avoid them all day, but she couldn't avoid returning to her own home at some point. Spencer, poor clueless Spencer, had let Freddie and Sam in when they arrived, before disappearing back into his bedroom. Strange, irregular noises had been emanating from that part of the apartment ever since, indicating artistic -- or just plain mad -- genius was at work.

Freddie tried to mimic Sam's relaxed posture, but found it difficult. The whole situation was making him nervous, partly because _Sam_, in general, often made him nervous, and he was pretty much stuck with her so long as they were at odds with Carly. But mostly because he suspected it didn't really matter what he or Sam did, that Carly was going to end up getting her way, and _that_ meant...

"So what's our plan here?" Freddie said, his knee bouncing a little.

"Huh?"

"We should have a plan. I think --"

"Shh-ssh!" Sam waved an impatient hand at him as she sat forward, looking over at the door.

A second later he realised Carly was there, the door opening as she let herself inside. She took a step over the threshold, looked up and saw them waiting for her, gasped, and froze with her hand still on the open door.

The deer-in-headlights expression didn't fool him for a second, and he knew it didn't fool Sam either.

Carly was going to make a run for it.

The two of them jumped up and grabbed hold of Carly by the arms even as she was starting to back out through the open door. They towed her all the way inside so they could slam the door shut and latch the chain. Then they stood there blocking the exit, arms folded over their chests.

Carly turned around slowly and gave them a weak little wave. "Hi guys."

Things devolved rapidly from there.

"Dead!"

"Ack!'

"So dead!"

"You're -- AH! You're making too big a deal of this!" Carly shouted, as Sam chased her around the sofa.

"No I'm not!"

"Yes you are!"

"Am not!"

"Are too! Stop chasing me!"

"No!"

"SPENCER!"

"WHAT?"

"SAM'S TRYING TO KILL ME!"

"...OH. OKAY BUT SEE I'M KINDA BUSY HERE SO --"

"AH!" Carly squealed as Sam made a lunge and almost grabbed her sleeve. She broke away from the sofa and headed for the kitchen.

Freddie, who had been watching this go down from a safe distance over by the computer, turned to watch them go by.

"You could hold her back!" Carly yelled at him frantically, now dodging Sam around the kitchen island.

He shook his head. "Nope. Sorry. Sam's going to kill you, and I'm going to let her."

"You suck Freddie!"

"Ha!" Sam said, pointing an accusing finger at Carly across the counter space between them. "So you admit it."

"Admit what?"

Sam faked right, then dodged left, colliding with Carly as she headed the same way. Sam bore her to the floor in a tumble of limbs and hair and girly screams. Freddie made his way around the breakfast bar to watch, looking down at them as they rolled around a bit before Sam managed to pin Carly by the arms, sitting heavily on her stomach.

"Oh what is your problem?" Carly demanded huffily, blowing hair out of her face.

"You just admitted that Freddie sucks! How can you make me pretend to date his stupid sucky face if he sucks so much!"

"I think you _both_ suck," Carly returned. "Some friends you are! Why can't you be supportive?"

"Hey if anyone sucks around here it's not me, it's you!"

"I don't suck! You suck!"

"No you!"

"You!"

At some point, Freddie thought, they were going to remember he was here, and actually involved in all of this.

"Big sucktard!"

"Sucky McSuckface!"

Okay, no they weren't.

"HEY!" Freddie rolled his eyes as he finally got their attention. "Can we all stop talking about who sucks for a minute? It's not exactly productive."

"Fine," Sam said, taking a deep breath to calm down. "But for the record, Freddie, you suck just by default. Carly, come on, are you going to tell your boyfriend the truth or not?"

"No! Guys I can't tell him I've been lying to him. He'll think I'm a giant freak."

"You _are_ a giant freak, especially if you think I'm going to go on this stupid double date with _that_," she nodded in Freddie's direction.

"It's not that big a deal," Carly protested, struggling to get out from under Sam and failing. "You're both being very immature!"

"Freddie? Get me something gross from the fridge. I'm gonna put it in Carly's hair."

Carly gasped. "Not my _hair._ What is wrong with you?"

"Make it something gooey," Sam said, unmoved.

The threat seemed to give Carly a boost of strength and with a yell she threw off Sam's hold on her arms and was able to sit up, shoving Sam so she fell back sprawled across Carly's legs.

They stayed that way, both girls panting with their exertions, until suddenly Sam's foot shot out and kicked the back of Freddie's knee, sending him down in a wild flail. He only just caught himself and narrowly missed cracking heads with Carly.

When he looked over at Sam with an unspoken '_what the hell?_' she said, "Well you were just standing there. Thought you might be feeling left out."

So now all three of them were on the floor.

Carly pushed at Sam until she shifted off Carly's legs onto the floor. Freddie arranged himself so he was leaning back against a table leg, and then once they were all more comfy, Carly said, "Look I know it sucks that I lied and dragged you guys into this big charade that has since escalated to include going on a double date with me and Jude. Which does sound kind of bad when I say it out loud." She sighed. "But the truth is... I guess I just don't really know why it's such a big deal if the two of you have to pretend to like each other for one night." She hesitated for a long moment, toying with the cuff of her sleeve. "Is it because --"

"No!" Freddie said automatically. At exactly the same time as Sam said the exact same thing.

It was like the instinctive denial had bypassed his brain altogether, shooting out of his mouth before he could even think about what he was doing. He risked a glance over at Sam, pretty sure she experienced the same thing, but she was staring intently at the floor.

Carly just looked between the two of them with wider-than-normal eyes and didn't say anything for a while until her gaze dropped again. "I guess I didn't think about how this might be difficult for you guys."

"The only difficulty will be controlling my gag reflex," said Sam, although to his ears it sounded kind of forced.

"Hey, if I go out with Sam she'll make me pay for her food," Freddie joked weakly. "I don't know how I'll afford it."

"Oh," Carly said. "So... are you saying you'll do it?"

Sam heaved a huge sigh and clapped a hand on Carly's shoulder. "Yes. I will go on a date with Freddie. And you. And your stupidly good-looking boyfriend."

Carly erupted in a hug, throwing her arms around Sam. "Best. Friend. Ever."

"God, the things I do for you," Sam groaned, before Carly released her and turned to Freddie.

At this point he knew he had no choice, and if Sam was willing, there was no reason for him not to be. "Sure," he threw his hands up in capitulation, "It can only kill me, right?"

"Keep that in mind, nub," Sam said as Carly leaned over to hug him too. They glared at each other for a moment over Carly's head.

And that's when it hit him that they had just agreed to go on a date. As a couple. A fake couple, on a fake double date, but a couple all the same, and one made up of him, Freddie Benson, and _her._ He just, he couldn't picture it, the image in his head of the four of them doing dinner and a movie completely failing to resolve itself into anything that made sense.

And he was very good at visualisation exercises and the failure made him nervous.

Freddie jumped to his feet the moment Carly drew back, surprising both girls. "We need to talk," he said firmly to Sam in a tone that brooked no argument.

Sam looked back up at him and said, "Like hell we doooOW OW OW HAIR HAIR!"

Having been prepared for her to argue anyway, he had gone straight for her one weak spot, and in very short order he had Sam on her feet and was towing her out of the kitchen and across the main room. "Excuse us for just a minute!" he threw back over his shoulder.

"Uh, sure, okay!" Carly called back.

Straight out the front door and into the hallway he marched, where he finally let go of Sam's hair and stepped around her to pull the door shut.

"Dude. You could have just asked," she said reproachfully, rubbing the back of her head.

"Really." He leaned back against the closed door of the Shay apartment and regarded her evenly. "I could have just said 'Sam, could we talk in private, please?' and you would have just come along in a civilised manner."

"No, I would have bitten you," she admitted, finishing with a small laugh.

He laughed a little too, knowing that this was why he had dragged her out here. Sometimes when it was just the two of them it seemed easier to get along -- he had long suspected it was because Sam didn't care what he thought, and therefore had nothing to prove. Now as she kicked at the floor, twisting her mouth in a show of awkwardness, he found himself relaxing back against the door, folding his arms over his chest. In other words, he let his guard down, which was a mistake.

Because the next thing he knew was Sam's fist as it whipped up and punched him in the side of the neck.

"That was for the hair," she said as he bent over, clutching at his neck in pain and trying not to fall over.

"Ouch," came out in something approaching a whimper.

"Lousy aim," she commented idly. "I was going for your windpipe. But you can still talk so I guess I missed."

He straightened, still rubbing at his latest in a long line of Sam-related injuries. He took a deep, steadying breath, because there was a reason he'd dragged her out here, after all, and it was about time they got to it. "Okay. First, I'm sorry I pulled your hair."

"Are you?" she interrupted his speech before it even began. "Are you really?"

"Well, no."

She nodded. "Go on."

"Uh, okay, so, this date thing. That we apparently just agreed to go on."

"What about it?"

"Uh..."

Okay, and the truth was he hadn't really planned past getting her alone out here so he could get a few things straight. Because they would both do just about anything for Carly, therefore nothing either of them said whilst under the influence of her puppy-dog face and the promise of hugs could be considered reliable. He knew he certainly couldn't be.

At his lengthening silence, Sam was sighing and giving him a disgusted look that told him she was finding him more stupid and annoying than usual, a point that right now he wasn't prepared to argue.

She said, "Carly's pretty nuts about this guy."

"Yeah, she is."

"If you're wondering what she sees in him, it's that he's basically the opposite of you."

"Noted." Freddie rolled his eyes. "So?"

"So?"

"Well are we really going to do this?"

She shrugged. "Yeah, I guess."

"Seriously?"

"She'd do it for me," Sam said simply.

And the nervousness ratcheted up a few points. At this rate he was going to be puking by Saturday night.

On the other hand a little puking might just get him out of it altogether, so there was that.

"Man, though, Carly is going to owe us forever," Sam went on.

"At least you're getting free smoothies out of it. Listen," he went on awkwardly, "How are we going to, uh, play this?"

"Huh?"

"I mean on Saturday night. Are we going to like... hold hands and stuff?"

Sam was staring at him, and he was, he realised, wiping his hands on his pants, palms suddenly sweating.

"How about we assume if you try to make me hold anything of yours at any time in the foreseeable future, I'm gonna go ahead and break it off." With that she pushed past him and headed back inside. "And you better believe you're paying for my food!"

Freddie shook his head as he followed. "Yeah, this is going to be fun."


	4. Chapter 4

In the middle of the iCarly studio, Sam was jumping up and down on the spot. Carly walked back and forth in front of her, stomping heavily on her bare feet. They were providing their own sound effects which consisted of both of them wailing and screeching in horrible pain and misery, with the occasional accompanying plea for mercy.

They stopped abruptly, acting in perfect unison as Freddie quickly pulled back from the close-up of their feet to catch them as they said, "And that's what we like to call 'Torturing Toe People!'

"That's right," Sam shook her head, her voice low and menacing. "We just hate those toes. All toes, everywhere. So watch it, toes at home," she pointed a warning finger at the camera.

"Yeah, especially that big toe," Carly added. "It's like a thumb that got all lazy."

Sam jumped up and down a few more times as she shouted down at her feet. "You hear that? That's what you get for not being opposable."

"_Opposable__?_"

"Hey, I take science."

"I just didn't know you actually learned science."

"Eh, Mr Henning has a thing against naps."

"But what's his position on toes?"

"Hates 'em. Not at all pro-toe."

"Well, why would he be?"

They shrugged at each other, then made faces at each other, eating up another few seconds of precious webcasting time, before swinging around to face the camera again. "Aaand that's our show for tonight!" they said together.

Then Carly said, "If you think we were too hard on our toes, make sure you drop by the website and let us know."

"Or, if you think we went too easy on 'em? Let us know!"

"If you're ambivalent towards toes in general, you should definitely let us know."

"If you think we should have done something weird to our toes like dipped them in apple sauce while making oinking noises --"

"Please don't let us know."

"Please don't."

"We don't wanna hear about that."

"We really do not."

Breaking into smiles, she and Carly waved until Freddie gave the all-clear.

"Good show," he said.

Sam poked Carly's shoulder. "You think your future in-laws were impressed?"

"Oh, how could they not be? I'm adorable." She was grinning but then her face dropped. "If you call them 'my future in-laws' in front of Jude I'm going to --"

"You're gonna what?" Sam taunted. She did so love it when Carly entertained violent thoughts.

"I don't know. But it'll be something Sam-like!"

"Got it."

They grinned at each other. Then, from over in his little nerd zone -- which he kept trying to make her call 'the production cart' -- Freddie spoke up. "Hey, speaking of Jude, don't you think we should talk about tomorrow night? We need to figure out --"

"Ah, don't bug me," she interrupted, heading for the door. "There's like two pounds of chicken wings in the fridge downstairs with my name on it."

"Wait, how do you know about that?" Carly demanded. "I hid the tupperware behind a big ol' head of lettuce!"

Sam shrugged. "I don't know it was like they were calling to me," she said, then she was out of the studio and making her way downstairs to the kitchen.

It was about five minutes later when Carly and Freddie came downstairs, Carly and Freddie giving each other a wave as he headed out the front door. Carly came over and stood opposite her at the island, watching for a minute as she dunked another wing in a jar of spicy sweet chilli sauce she'd also dug out of the refrigerator. She tore into the sweet, spicy goodness and groaned in enjoyment.

"Sam," Carly said finally, as Sam blissed out in a haze of meat. "You can't avoid Freddie forever. Especially not since --"

"Who says I'm avoiding him?"

"You've barely been in the same room as him for two days. Which is a good effort considering we prepared and performed an entire webcast in that time."

"Yeah yeah," she waved the bony remains of a wing at her and pushed the tupperware container to the middle of the island. "I've got to spend all Saturday night making goopy eyes at the nub, what'd you expect. Wing?"

"Sure."

Carly took one and then found a plate and a spoon to drizzle some of the sauce over the wing. This had the benefit of not leaving little bits of chicken skin all through the jar, Sam noticed, before shrugging and dunking a fresh wing. It was a bit late for table manners now, up to the elbows in sticky, chicken-y grease and a growing pile of bones on the counter top in front of her.

"Good talk," Carly said, leaning over the counter as she took a bite.

"Good meat," Sam returned, and that was that.

* * *

Saturday night arrived quickly. Carly was full of nervous energy as she tore around her room getting ready. Sam kind of just wanted to take a nap.

"Do I have to?" Sam whined, yanking at the stupid sleeve of the stupid shirt Carly had forced her to put on. "I hate this top."

"You asked to borrow it just the other night! You threw a chicken wing at me when I said no." Carly reached down and slapped at her hand when she gave the sleeve another tug.

"What was I thinking? I could have eaten that chicken wing."

"Your hands were all greasy and you refused to wash them, that's why I said no. But since I know that you showered before you came over, I have to say that shirt looks very nice on you. Actually, I think it looks nicer than it does on me," Carly finished, sounding momentarily unsettled by that.

Sam was unsettled too, and craned her head back to look up at her friend. "Dude, how do you know I showered before I came over here?"

Carly, who was messing with Sam's hair, laughed and shook a handful of curls at her. "Your hair is clean? I can smell the shampoo."

"Oh. Well that was just 'cause I got barbecue sauce stuck in it at lunch. Mom made me go with her to help pick out a new front door, so I made her buy me ribs."

"Do I even want to know what happened to your old front door?"

"I doubt it. Neither did the tightwads at the Seattle Police Department when we tried to make them fork out for the replacement."

Carly's hands stilled on her hair. "You were right, I didn't want to know."

She took the opportunity to duck out from under Carly's hold. "Hair looks great, thanks."

"But I only just finished combing it. I didn't do anything to it yet."

"Eh, I'm good. Freddie knows what I look like, and Jude isn't going to care."

"Well, your hair always looks pretty anyway," Carly conceded with a smile. "Now go put on some make-up."

"But --"

"Make-up!"

"Ugh, fine. But I'm not --"

"HEY CARLY," Spencer yelled up to them from downstairs. "FREDDIE'S HERE."

She crossed to the open door and started yelling back. "HE'S EARLY. WE'RE NOT READY YET."

"OH, OKAY." There was a pause, then, "ACTUALLY FREDDIE SAYS HE'S ON TIME AND YOU'RE RUNNING LATE."

"WE'RE ON GIRL TIME WE CAN'T BE LATE!"

Sam helpfully contributed, "TELL FREDWINA A GENTLEMAN WOULD KNOW TO SHUT UP AND WAIT."

"I THINK HE HEARD YOU HIMSELF."

"YES. HE DID." Freddie's voice was added to the mix.

Carly pushed Sam away from the doorway, giving one last shouted directive. "WE'LL BE DOWN IN A MINUTE. LEAVE US ALONE." She paused and added, "PLEASE."

Once nobody had yelled anything for a few seconds, Sam retreated to the bed where she flopped down to wait for Carly to finish primping herself.

But instead of making a beeline for the bathroom, Carly crossed over and sat down beside Sam's legs. "Do you think it'll be okay tonight?" she said.

Sam nudged her with a knee. "What could possibly go wrong?" She started laughing.

Carly sighed, and then she picked up a pillow and brought it down on Sam's face. Sam laughed into the muffling softness, not moving otherwise. She felt Carly get up and heard as she said, "I have to finish my hair. You have to finish your make-up. Don't make me come over there and take to you with a mascara brush, missy. 'Cause I will!"

* * *

It was maybe ten minutes later that Carly dragged her downstairs. Now it was happening she was feeling slightly more reluctant about the whole thing.

"Let go of the door, Sam," Carly sighed.

Carly had her by the wrist but her other hand was latched around the doorjamb of Carly's bedroom and for a minute Sam considered how much date-time she could eat up with a good old fashioned game of tug-of-war. But then she saw Carly's face. It wasn't the stubborn, 'you-wanna-piece-of-me' face, but the one with the big trusting eyes that always forced her to remember that Carly was a good person and Sam was lucky to have a friend like her and blah blah blah. The girl was pure evil that way. But when it came down to it there was no way to combat the face.

She let go of the door and followed Carly as she bounced happily down the stairs.

Freddie looked like he had jumped off the couch the second he'd heard them coming. "Guys, I don't think we have time to walk to the mall," he was saying as they hit the landing. "I could get my mom to drive us."

The plan for tonight involved a movie at the big cineplex attached to the mall, grabbing dinner beforehand in the food court. Carly had insisted on 'something casual, in a public place with lots of witnesses.' They were supposed to be meeting Jude there in about fifteen minutes, and yes, they were running kind of late, but there were some things Sam wasn't willing to put up with tonight. Mrs Benson was one of them.

"Bus!" she concluded as she came down the last of the stairs.

"Bus," Carly agreed.

"Or we could take the bus. Are you two finally ready?"

"You're eager to go," Sam said. "That's not weird."

"Eager to get it over with. And there's nothing wrong with punctuality."

"So what do you think?" Carly interrupted, slinging an arm around Sam's shoulders. "Do we scrub up good?"

"Yeah, you both look very --"

"Save it." Sam shrugged out from under Cary's arm and headed for the door, elbowing Freddie aside on the way. "Fredweird's right, let's get this over with."

"Carly," Freddie said, "_You_ look very nice."

Sam opened the front door and stood there impatiently. She checked her purse -- cell phone, lip gloss, her wallet, not that she'd need it since tonight was all on Freddie. Behind her, Carly did something uncharacteristically violent to Freddie because the next thing out of his mouth was, "Ow! Fine. Sam, you look great too. Okay?"

They were both looking at her. What was she supposed to say to that? She shrugged. "Whatever."

"See, she doesn't care. Can we go now?"

"Yeah, can we get the heck out of here please?"

"You're both a little eager," Carly said as she herded them before her out the door. "That's not weird."

Then, after Carly ran back inside to tell Spencer she was leaving, they were finally on their way.

* * *

A/N: Sorry, had to cut the chapter off there. The date itself needs to go all in the one chapter and it was getting too long, so I broke it in two and posted this bit now. Hopefully I'll get the next part posted tomorrow. Thank you hugely to everyone who has reviewed so far! I'm so glad people are enjoying this...


	5. Chapter 5

A/N: Wow this part is pretty long. I hope people like it! Things are starting to get interesting. ;D There's about four chapters to go after this, in case anyone is wondering, but I'm not sure when I'll get the next chapter posted, busy week ahead. Hopefully in the next few days, but we'll see. Once again, loving the reviews, thank you people who've taken the time!

* * *

Sam was not planning on telling anyone, especially not Carly since there was always the possibility she could work her up from a month's free smoothies to _two _months if she complained enough, but the truth was the whole fake date thing wasn't that bad.

And it wasn't because her brain had dropped out her ear and she was suddenly going to forget that it was all just an act. Forget that Freddie wasn't really her boyfriend and they were actually on a real date having a really amazing time. She was in absolutely no danger of that happening at all. Not least of all because that kind of thing only happened in lame chick flicks.

But no, it wasn't completely terrible. Really, it could have just been the three of them hanging out like normal, with Carly's boyfriend along for the ride. Sam just wasn't about to let anyone know it.

The date started off in the food court, where they met up with Jude in front of Pizza Hizzy. Once everyone got their food of choice, they settled at a table and ate and talked, mostly just about school or whatever, Carly telling Jude a few funny stories about iCarly. Sam concentrated more on devouring her double bacon cheeseburger, every now and then reaching over to steal Freddie's fries, because hey, they were on a date and couples shared their food right? He couldn't even say anything.

This became less funny once he realised what she was doing -- around the time she drank half his soda -- and made a move on her onion rings. Not cool. The quick warning look she shot him didn't work though, he just smirked at her, took another onion ring, and said, "Thanks, Pumpkin."

She smiled back sweetly and stomped her heel down on his instep. "Oh, I'm sorry, Peanut," she cried as he near choked on his damn onion ring at the sudden pain. "Was that your foot? Clumsy me."

"Oh!" said Carly loudly, "Look I finished my iced tea." She looked at Jude innocently. "I'm still a little thirsty. Do you think you could get me another one?"

As soon as Jude was out of earshot -- not very far in the noisy food court -- Carly rounded on the two of them sitting across the table from her.

"She was eating all my food!" Freddie jumped in defensively.

Sam scoffed. "Since when do I not eat your food?"

"So, I just wanted a little payback, is that so wrong?"

Carly made a frustrated noise. "Oh Freddie, you know Sam doesn't deal well with payback, it just makes her madder!"

"I just --"

"Well he --"

They both spoke at the same time only for Carly to cut them off. "Hey! If you two could stop acting like you want to scratch each other's faces off for two seconds?! Now you both know why you're here, and I thought everyone was going to behave themselves, _Sam_."

"Sure. Remind me why again?"

"I'd do it for you, _remember?_"

"Oh that. Hey since when did you start expecting reciprocation in this friendship?"

"And by the way," Freddie said, frowning, "When is Sam _ever_ going to ask you to pretend to be my girlfriend? Seriously. I'd love to hear how that would ever be an issue."

"Shut up, nub," Sam snapped, then spotting something past Carly's shoulder, she pasted a smile on her face and spoke through her clenched teeth. "I mean, shut up, Babycakes. Jude's coming back."

"Sure thing, Snugglebutt," Freddie returned sourly, slouching down in his seat with his arms folded all huffily.

Sam reached over and grabbed the remains of his burger.

Yep, it was almost just like any other day.

* * *

After eating, they made their way upstairs to the cinemas where they saw it was really busy, Saturday night and all.

"You guys we better line up for our tickets," Carly said.

"I need snacks!" Sam announced loudly.

"Guess we'll go get the snacks then," Freddie said.

She left him there swapping money and popcorn orders with Carly and Jude, while she went and jumped on the queue at the candy bar, which was even longer than over at the box office.

Freddie joined her after a minute. "Okay, we need to get a medium popcorn and two blue-raspberry icees for those guys."

Sam opened her mouth and told him what she was getting.

"You just had a huge meal, you can't possibly eat all that," he protested once she was done. She just looked at him. "Okay, you can, but you shouldn't."

"You know, you're getting more and more like your mom every day. It must be so nice for her, to know her only daughter is following in her footsteps."

"Funny."

"Not as funny as your face."

"That's just 'cause I'm looking at you." He smirked at his own comeback, which, wow, that was even lamer than the comeback itself.

Hers was way better. "Says the guy who apparently thinks I look great tonight."

"I... Carly made me say that."

She narrowed her eyes. Jude and Carly weren't around so she could get as mean as she wanted. "So what, you think I look bad?" she demanded.

"No! I -- you -- you look..." She savoured the stammering, the sudden look of fear in his eyes, because she didn't see much of it these days. And just like he'd been doing more and more lately, he caught on quick, rolling his eyes as she smirked. "_Must_ you torture me?"

"Yeah I must." She kicked his foot. "'Specially seeing how it's your fault we're stuck doing this."

"And how is it my fault?"

"You've been Carly's number one stalker for years, that's what got Jude all weirded out and that's why Carly freaked and made up this ridiculous lie. To cover up for you being a huge creeper. Therefore, Fredbert, I conclude this is your fault."

"Oh yeah, all that," he admitted reluctantly. He brightened. "Hey, you know what I like about it though? I like how the _amazing_ Jude looks at me and sees a legitimate rival for Carly's affections. That part's not bad."

Sam snorted. "Oh my god, I hadn't thought of that. That is so ridiculous!" She burst out laughing. "Jude was getting jealous of _you!_"

"It's not that funny."

"It's pretty funny," she managed, almost knocking over Freddie along with a couple other people in line with them as she fell around laughing her head off.

"Can I help you?" came a bored voice then from behind the counter.

Sam immediately took a big step forward and spoke quickly. "Yeah, gimme a pack of twizzlers, a large M&Ms, one of those, wait _two_ Snickers. I also want fatcakes, low fat -- no dude, the share pack. Yeah, and I'll have a jumbo popcorn, a medium popcorn, a large peppy cola, two blue raspberry icees, and whatever the hell he wants." She stepped aside and gestured to Freddie, who looked resigned as he pulled his wallet from his pocket.

"One grape icie. Please."

A few minutes later they moved away from the counter, their arms laden down with junk food. Freddie's shoulder jostled hers as they wove through the busy lobby looking for Carly and Jude.

"Hey watch it!" she yelled at what looked like a team of varsity basketball players from the size of them, who had almost knocked all her precious snacks from Freddie's arms as they passed by.

"Sam, please don't get me beaten up by a gang of seven-foot tall muscle-heads," he said tightly as they pressed on through the crowd.

"I'll do my best, Buttercup. No promises."

"By the way, Cream Puff, we are sharing that jumbo popcorn."

"Pfft good luck with that, Snookums."

Half an hour later they were seated together in the darkened cinema, watching a movie that -- well, the snack food was turning out to be a lot more interesting, frankly.

At some point she and Freddie were having a brief, fruitless -- because Freddie was of course going to lose -- struggle over the last of the Twizzlers, when she saw him glance past her and catch an eyeful of Carly and Jude, who were not exactly watching the movie either, although for a different reason. She snatched the candy away from him as he raised an eyebrow and sat back in his seat.

"Hey don't worry," she hissed at him, "I'm sure they're just checking to see whose tongue is bluer." She snickered to herself and decided she was feeling generous. "Twizzler?"

* * *

Once the movie finished they all made a beeline for the bathrooms, as one did.

The boys made it out of there first, making Sam once again lament her inability to pee against a wall. But eventually she and Carly joined them, and they decided they would all walk back to Bushwell Plaza together. Sam was staying over at Carly's, naturally, and Jude knew he could get the bus home from there seeing as the burger joint he worked at was nearby.

It was a little cold once they left the mall and were wandering along at a lazy pace down the street, but not too bad. Sam liked it like this anyway, you tended to see interesting things and weird people at this time of night, and the chill in the air just meant she wasn't going to fall asleep and miss any of it.

"You want my jacket?" Freddie said. It was a simple enough gesture, but spoiled somewhat by the timing.

"That would have sounded a lot more chivalrous if Carly's boyfriend hadn't given her his jacket five seconds ago."

"Hey, I can be chivalrous," he protested as the three of them laughed.

"Don't try too hard there, Freddie," Carly taunted.

"Yeah, you might strain something. Like that one tiny shred of masculinity you hide so well."

"Oh man," Jude chimed in. "These girls just rip into you all the time, don't they?"

"It's only their favourite past time," he grumbled. "You want my jacket or not?"

She actually found herself considering it for a moment, then shook her head. "Nah, I'm good."

"So Freddie, what's it like having two girls as your best friends? Or, I guess one best friend and one girlfriend, anyway."

"Let's just say I've been involved in way too many conversations that included the word 'bloating'."

"Aw but Fweddie," Sam cooed at him, "If we didn't tell you about our PMS how could we get you to buy us sympathy ice cream?"

"Yeah well I'm starting to suspect you guys just start talking about cramps whenever you really just want ice cream."

"Hey once we got you trained up good it would have been a waste not to use you," Sam shrugged.

"Hey man, I have an older sister _and_ a little sister. I feel you." Jude held out his fist and Freddie bumped it.

Sam rolled her eyes in disgust and grabbed Carly's arm, towing her ahead. "Ugh, I hate it when boys bond. So lame."

"I know, it's always about the same stuff. Sports or girls."

"Cars."

"Their sound systems."

"Their sound systems in their cars. Sub-woofers."

"And does anyone actually know what a sub-woofer is?"

"I don't even think the people who make sub-woofers know what they are."

"Actually," Freddie spoke up from where he and Jude were bringing up the rear, "A sub-woofer is for --"

"Don't know don't care! Ugh, Carls now I really want ice cream."

"I thought I felt my tummy hurting."

"Mine too. Only hot fudge and whipped cream will help the pain."

"Crushed nuts."

"Raw cookie dough chunks."

"Gotta love those chunks."

They both clutched their middles and started moaning exaggeratedly. "Oh the pain."

"The pain of being a woman!"

"Uh, yeah thanks, we get it," Freddie spoke loudly over the top of them. "How about we go get ice cream?"

They cheered and Carly offered up a high-five.

Jude said, "So when those two are on the show, really --"

"Not always acting, no."

Carly turned round to say, "Maybe we're just naturally entertaining."

Sam yanked her forward, urging her to speed up. "Icccceeeee creeeeeeaaaaam."

"Ice creeeeeaaaaam," Carly moaned back at her, zombie-like, and together they almost ran the next block and a half to the nearest ice cream place.

Not being prone to linking arms and skipping, it took a few minutes for the boys to catch up with them. While she and Carly waited, they took their sweet time deciding on and then relating their very specific ice cream orders to the kid behind the counter.

"Yeah I want nuts, but only a very small amount of nuts. They're kind of healthy and I don't want them overpowering the sugar," Sam was explaining to the irritated cashier monkey. Yeah, she remembered those days on the other side of the fast food counter. Those days sucked.

The doors to the store opened behind them and Carly turned to greet the other two members of the group. She presented Jude with the sundae she'd already ordered and paid for herself. "I thought we could just share," she suggested. "Is that okay?"

Jude seemed perfectly happy with the idea. Sam turned from the counter where the guy had just presented her finished sundae.

"Let me be perfectly honest," she told Freddie. "I fully expect you to pay for this. But I also would cut out a kidney and give it to you before I shared any of my ice cream. Get your own."

"Yeah, having met you, I wasn't going to suggest it," he moved forward to join her at the counter, adding, "_Sweetie-pie,_" under his breath.

"Oh Sugar-Lumps, you know me so well."

When got his own ice cream they took themselves over to the table where Carly and Jude were practically sharing the same chair, having play fights with their spoons, and taking turns feeding each other. She caught Freddie's eye as they sat down and knew from the look on his face that he too was judging this ridiculous display of lovey-dovey-ness. Although Freddie's disgust was probably more about jealousy than general disdain for such behaviour. He'd probably love to sit there and let Carly shove a spoon in his mouth.

Unfortunately she wasn't allowed to point that out, so she just ignored the shenanigans across from her, and Freddie's presence at her side, happy to focus on her treat instead.

The next few minutes were spent in chocolatey ice-creamy heaven.

"Oh hey, man!" Jude was calling suddenly, waking her from her sugar coma as he waved at someone who'd just walked in. He turned to Carly. "That's Mike, he taught me everything I know about flipping burgers. Want to come say hi with me?"

"Sure." Carly and Jude got to their feet, but Carly lingered long enough to lean over and hiss in Sam's ear, "And now I'm meeting his friends."

She nodded meaningfully at Carly, and Carly nodded meaningfully back before bouncing over to join Jude.

Sam turned back to Freddie and reached over to dig her spoon in his ice cream, her own sundae long gone.

"We have to talk," he said in a low, urgent tone.

"Can it wait till I'm done eating your -- never? Can it wait till never?"

"No." Impatient, he pushed his dish over towards her. "Oh just have it. Listen, when you and Carly ran ahead before, Jude and I were talking, and he kept asking all these questions."

"And did you tell him that, yes, you are in fact a big momma's boy who'll die of old age before Carly gives you the time of day?"

"No, but I did have to make up a whole bunch of stuff like how long we've been dating, and how you're such a cool person, really, and I just like you a whole lot! It wasn't easy."

"Suck it up, Freddork, at least you don't have to live with the shame of being seen with you."

"Oh, and then he was asking why we don't just tell people about us dating. I told him it was because of iCarly, that the two of us hating each other has become part of the show and people expect it. So, uh, we just put on this big act. You know, that we don't like each other. Very much." He stopped, clearing his throat.

Sam scraped up the last of the melted ice cream.

"Way to bring the awkward there, Fredwick."

"See, this was the stuff I wanted to get straight with you before tonight," he complained.

She just shrugged. "So go tell Carly. I'm sure she'll be happy to prepare charts and spreadsheets to catalogue the intricate details of our fake relationship and then spend hours memorising it all. Meanwhile, if Jude asks me anything, I'll tell him it's none of his damn business."

"Won't make any difference if the guy doesn't believe any of it's true," Freddie pointed out.

"You don't think he buys it?"

"I don't know. I get the feeling he's suspicious, like why else would he quiz me like that unless he doesn't really buy us as a, you know. A couple."

Sam let her spoon drop to the table. Two empty dishes now in front of her, she was feeling a little sick. She was almost proud of how much sugar she'd consumed tonight.

"Are you listening?" Freddie said.

"Yeah, Jude doesn't think we're really dating. Imagine that."

"Yeah. My mind is blown too. Look, maybe I was imagining it, he didn't come right out and say it. But I don't like how he waited till he was away from Carly to ask. I just, I don't want this to have been for nothing. And I guess I don't want to blow it for Carly."

Sam was scratching at a mark on the shiny table surface as he went on carefully, "Maybe we need to step up our game. I... think we may have to hold hands."

She looked up at him sharply.

"Purely for deceptive purposes only!" He had jumped back as far as he was able to while still technically sitting on the same chair. "What do you think?"

The ice cream was churning heavily in her stomach, and her mouth twisted sourly as Freddie waited for her to say something. But then she saw Carly approaching, and sat up straighter. Nope, nothing going on here.

"Hey, I'm just going to the bathroom," Carly said, not sitting back down. "Then are you guys ready to leave?"

"Yeah," Freddie agreed. "Sam was really generous and helped me finish my sundae."

"Well she is thoughtful like that," Carly laughed, then leaned over to speak more quietly. "You guys, tonight has gone so well! So very much better than I was expecting when Sam showed up this afternoon wearing her 'I Hate Freddie' t-shirt. I almost feel like I should be paying you in something other than free smoothies and worthless gratitude."

Freddie was not looking at Carly as she said all this. He was looking at Sam. "You have an 'I Hate Freddie' t-shirt?"

"It was a prototype, from that anti-fan club Carly wouldn't let me set up, remember?"

"Oh yeah. Fun times," he ground out between clenched teeth.

Carly hurried to reassure him. "She wasn't really going to wear it tonight. Well, I got her to change shirts, anyway."

"She never lets me have any fun," Sam said.

"I let you have plenty of fun. Rude t-shirts are just plain rude." Carly gave her shoulder a friendly push and then practically skipped off to the bathrooms at the back of the store.

Sam watched her go. Kid looked so happy just then. Like all was right with the world in Carly-land so even a pee break was good times.

"You know what? I'm gonna get a t-shirt made that says 'Sam Puckett is a butt-sniffing freak'."

"Yeah, you do that."

Hell, even just sitting next to Carly while she spent ninety minutes sucking face with Jude in the dark movie theatre, Sam could tell she was doing it with joy.

"Maybe I will."

"Like your Mom'll let you out of the house in anything that interesting. And that doesn't have your name sewn into it in three places."

One of the few things Sam actually gave a crap about -- when she bothered to stop and think about it, which admittedly wasn't often -- was being a decent friend. And Carly really liked this guy...

"I'll wear it under a sweater, which I'll take off once I leave the apartment."

"Don't you think it's sad how much thought you have to put into stuff like that?"

"...Yes."

When it came right down to it, it was almost easy to stand up and grab Freddie's arm, dragging him to his feet beside her.

"Come on."

"Why?"

"Don't ask stupid questions." She heard Freddie sigh, but he followed her as she wove her way among tables and chairs. She clapped Jude across the shoulder as they passed. "Hey, we'll be outside. Carly's coming in a minute."

"Sure guys, see you out there."

Then out through the glass doors into the chilly night. She walked down the sidewalk a ways, stopping at the next shop front over, a dry cleaners closed for the night, the front windows dark.

"Sam?" Freddie said. She turned around when he got close.

"Look, don't make a big deal out this."

"Out of what?"

"I figure we did it once and it was no biggie, so there's no reason this has to be. Got it?"

Freddie was babbling something then which she didn't bother listening to. She just looked past him back to the ice cream store, through the windows she could see Jude getting up from the table he'd been sitting at with his friends.

"And don't blow it," she said. "'Cause I am not doing this again."

Taking a deep breath, she steeled herself and took a deliberate step forward, grabbing him by the shoulders, yanking him closer when he just stood there. She put her mouth on his and then they were kissing. Well, technically they were, anyway. Lip to lip contact had been achieved but that was about it. Freddie made a startled noise and she thought he was going to wimp out, so she quickly moved her hand round the back of his neck and held his head firmly in place.

"Jude is coming, you dipwad," she hissed urgently an inch from his mouth.

She saw his eyes widen in understanding, and he let out a breath -- breath that smelled like ice cream and grape soda -- as his hands moved around her back. She stepped on his foot without even meaning to and the big dork mumbled, "Uh, sorry," which didn't even make any sense, before finally they got their lips lined back up even though she had to crane up a little to reach his face and when the heck did Fredward get so tall anyway? But somehow they managed it and she closed her eyes and they were kissing -- properly this time. Lip movement and everything. To the outside observer she figured it might even have looked like they were enjoying it.

The important point being that they were still at it a few seconds later when she heard doors opening and someone came out onto the sidewalk.

"Whoa, oh hey, sorry guys." She and Freddie pulled away from each other as Jude gave a sheepish wave and started to head back inside. "I'll just --"

"Oh it's okay," she forced out a laugh. "No big deal."

She felt Freddie move his arm around her waist and her tight smile got a little bit tighter.

"Yeah, I think Carly's coming anyway," Freddie said casually, nodding over towards the store.

Jude turned to greet her as she came out. At first Carly just smiled up at him and took the hand he held out to her. Then she looked over in their direction, and saw Sam standing tucked into Freddie's side and no one trying to claw anyone's face off.

After Carly's sudden coughing fit abated, which Sam was grateful for since it gave her the chance to ditch the dork and go over to whack Carly on the back a few times in a show of friendly concern, she straightened.

"I swallowed my gum," she said, her eyes darting back and forth between Sam and Freddie a few times.

"Want me to get you some water?" Jude asked.

"Oh, no I'm fine, thanks. Oh look, it's almost eleven, that's when I told Spencer I'd be back. Shall we go? Let's go."

She grabbed Jude's hand again and started walking, giving him little choice in the matter but to move with her. She shot a look back at them as they followed along more slowly. The look, had it been sent as a text message, would have said 'WTF?'

Sam sighed.

Walking beside her, Freddie was looking pleased with himself. That bugged her.

"What are you so happy about?"

"Are you kidding?" he said, keeping his voice lowered. "Game over! If the guy had any suspicions before, he sure doesn't now."

"Yeah, thanks for catching me up," Sam shot back sarcastically. "But you're forgetting something."

"Oh what?" he said impatiently. "What _now_?"

Sam stared resolutely ahead, where Carly and Jude were bumping shoulders playfully as they strolled along. "Now?" she said. "Now we gotta tell Carly that we kissed again."


	6. Chapter 6

A/N: Another long chapter! I wanted to finish up with Sam's POV and so this is it for her (once that girl gets going she does not want to shut up!). We'll be switching the POV up again after this. Thank you for reading, hope you enjoy!

* * *

Sam and Freddie were silent on the trip up in the elevator, but when they stepped off on the eighth floor, Freddie hung back from moving around the corner towards their apartments.

"Wait," he said. "My mom's probably waiting right inside the door for me to get home."

"Oh. I guess you had to pick that little habit up from somewhere, huh?"

"Uh, so about what happened," he began uncertainly.

"I'll tell Carly," she said quickly. "Don't worry about it, I'll explain it all. No big deal, right?"

"Oh, right. No. I mean... good."

"Yep. Maybe Carls won't even flip out about it this time. But I doubt it."

"Heh, yeah no. She's gonna flip out." He gave her a small smile, raising an eyebrow. "It was the least awful fake date I've ever been on?"

She nodded. "Sure. Thanks for all the food."

They stood there awkwardly for a moment.

"Well, see ya."

"'Night, Sam."

They made twin beelines for their respective doors. Sam letting herself into the Shay's apartment, knowing it would be open, while Freddie just said "Mom, it's me," and the door across the way was immediately flung open by Mrs Benson.

Sam closed the door behind her and gave Spencer a wave, the guy sitting slouched in the middle of the couch watching TV.

"Hey," he said. "How was the movie? And by the way did you happen to forget a little something like my sister by any chance? Perhaps accidentally leaving her behind in a public restroom because I did that when I was seventeen and she was like five and no one was amused."

"Chill, she's just saying goodnight to Jude downstairs. It was a privacy issue. Don't make me spell it out."

"No, neither of us wants you to do that."

She dropped her purse on the nearby arm chair and moved towards the kitchen, acting on auto-pilot. She wasn't even really hungry, it was just what she did. Besides, whenever Carly had a date Spencer tended to indulge in extra greasy take-out to make up for the fact that his little sister had more of a life than he did. This theory was once again proved correct when she opened the fridge and found a pizza box that definitely hadn't been there before leaving earlier that evening. Yes, she'd checked.

She brought the box over to the breakfast bar and munched on a slice as she perched on one of the stools at the computer, deciding to check her emails since she was there.

It was maybe ten seconds later that she realised Spencer was hovering behind her.

She swivelled and gave him the raised eyebrow of 'what the hell, dude?'

"Can I say something to you Sam? You know, man to ma-- uh, teenage girl?"

"Sure, hock one at me."

"That is a disgusting expression. I love it, and am going to use it the very next time an opportunity presents itself!" he cried, before his face fell. "Okay but seriously. I really want to say that as Carly gets older, being her guardian is becoming ever more fraught with... horror."

"Horror?"

"Horror...s. Horrors innumerable."

"'Cause you know Carls is downstairs mackin' all over her BF?"

"Yes."

"How 'bout you pretend she's really down there swapping chilli recipes with the guy."

"Oh my god I like that so much more. Can we do that?"

She shrugged. "Sure. Carls is just gettin' herself some chilli."

"Yeah, 'kay it still sounds dirty when you say it like that."

He made his way dejectedly back to the couch. Sam shrugged and returned to her pizza and emails.

When Carly appeared a few minutes later she came in smiling brightly as she apologised. "Hi Spencer! Sorry, I just had to --"

"Ah-ah-ah! Don't say a word I know all about the chilli there is no need to elaborate!"

"Huh? Did you say chilli?"

"Alrighty then. You're both here, in the apartment, safe and uninjured. You're uninjured, right?"

"Uh, yep," said Sam.

"Uh-huh," said Carly.

"Coolio. Then my work here is done. THANK GOD! It's so hard being in charge, you guys, you don't even understand. Wanna watch TV?"

Carly's response came immediately. "Nope, Sam and I need to sleep. Right now. In my room. Come _on_ Sam."

"I'm a-comin'. No need to get grabby."

Carly stopped tugging on her arm and moved around her to start pushing from behind until finally Sam had no choice but to hop off the barstool and flee up the stairs. It was that or risk being muscled the whole way -- wimpy Carly-muscles or no. The girl was a menace when she was determined, there was no escaping her.

Up in Carly's bedroom, they got ready for bed, which for Carly meant painstakingly removing every scrap of make-up, washing and moisturising her face, combing out her hair, brushing her teeth, and changing into pajamas. For Sam it meant taking off her bra and shoes and throwing herself on the bed.

Carly also talked the whole time, deep in post-date analysis mode, returning often to the bathroom door to ask a question or listen to Sam's reply.

"And what was with you and Freddie canoodling on the way home?" she demanded once she was finally finished her bedtime routine and came to sit down on her side of the double bed. "I almost choked on my gum!"

Sam laughed. "'Canoodling'?"

"It's something my grandpa says, don't change the subject."

"We were doing what we were supposed to be doing -- making your boyfriend think we were together. Dude was asking Freddie all these questions, and we were worried he might be suspicious so we... made sure he wasn't."

"Oh, I didn't know. You think he's suspicious? Oh my god what if finds out? How am I going to explain to him what a complete freak I am?! He doesn't want to date a complete freak, Sam! I know I wouldn't! I'd never date me, I'm a total mess."

"Don't worry, he's not suspicious anymore."

"You're sure?"

"Yeah... pretty sure."

"Oh." She fell back against the pillows in relief. "Okay. If you're sure."

She didn't ask any other questions and Sam lay there beside her, mouth twisting as she tried to figure out what to say. Finally she sighed. "Hey, you know that thing? That uh, thing about which we have all agreed never to speak again?"

She felt the subtle shift in the girl next to her. She didn't move but suddenly all of Carly's attention was on Sam. Carly said in a deceptively casual tone, "Oh, that thing? Yeah, I know it. That thing I haven't even spoken of all week since making you and Freddie pretend to be dating, even though it could be considered highly relevant under the current circumstances. Seriously, did not mention it even once. Which I think has been remarkably restrained of me."

"Colour me impressed."

"Thanks."

"You're welcome. It's just that I kind of did it again."

Carly rolled on her side and grabbed Sam's arm. "You've got _another_ big secret you're not telling me? Where are all these things coming from? Wait oh my god no way it's not what I think it is, is it? Do you _like_ --"

"There's no secret!" Sam was already talking over the top of her. "It only happened like twenty minutes ago. I literally could not tell you any sooner than this!"

They stared at each other in mutual confusion for a second, then both sat straight up.

"Wait, what?"

"Huh?"

Sam took Carly by the shoulders. "Listen to me. I... kind of kissed Freddie again. Er, but I mean there was a good reason, it's not like I wanted to. It happened just before you came out of the ice cream place, we let Jude catch us. It wasn't a big deal." She stared at her friend, searching for a reaction of any sort, which didn't seem to be forthcoming. "Carls? Are you freaking out?"

Carly drew in a deep breath, and let it out in a big sigh. "I don't get you guys." She pulled out of Sam's weakening grip and lay back on the bed.

"What do you mean? There's nothing to get. We did it so that Jude would see because Freddie thought he didn't really buy us as boyfriend and girlfriend and we didn't want to ruin your life. So we kissed. Like I said: no big deal."

"Yeah."

"Yeah? Well, okay. So..." She looked uncertainly down at Carly. "Hey that movie kind of sucked, didn't it?"

"Yeah, I still don't get it. You and Freddie. I mean, you, Sam Puckett, I get. You're my best friend and I know you like I know myself, I always know what you're thinking and feeling in any situation. And Freddie, well, he's a boy, they're not that complicated. So I get him, too. But when it comes to the two of you together? It's like you're on the moon, and you're speaking in moon-ese and I got the dvd version without the English subtitles!"

"What _are_ you talking about?"

"You kissed Freddie. Again. But it's no big deal because it was all part of the plan to get Jude to believe us about you guys."

"We thought you'd be glad."

"I am. Thanks. You're the best," Carly said evenly.

"You know it. Talk about takin' one for the team," Sam joked. But she continued to watch Carly warily. She'd been so sure the kid was going to flip her lid again. This strangely calm reaction was so much worse.

For a moment there Carly looked very, very frustrated. But then it was gone and she just shrugged. "Don't worry, I'm going to tell Jude that you guys aren't really the double-dating type, so you won't have to, you know, go through that again. Things should go back to normal, more or less. Besides, I wouldn't mind having him all to myself on our next date."

"Just think how many movies the two of you have yet to miss out on completely."

Carly's laugh turned into a yawn. "Sleepy?" she said, reaching for her bedside lamp.

"Totally," Sam said around her own yawn. She collapsed down onto her pillow, briefly shifted around getting comfortable, and then sighed as she started to relax into sleep mode.

"Sam?" Carly's voice came out of the darkness less than a foot away.

"Yeah?"

"What kind of kiss was it?"

"Ehhhhhh." She grabbed her pillow and shoved it over her face.

"I mean was it a long kiss or a --"

"EEERRGGGHH."

For the next few minutes she did nothing but groan at Carly whenever she asked a question, until the other girl got the idea and agreed it was time to go to sleep.

"Good night, Sam," she said with a long-suffering sigh.

"Yluurgle-blurgle," Sam replied, and was relieved when Carly finally seemed to settle down and go to sleep on the other side of the bed. Time for her to get her sleep-fu on, too. But despite how tired she was, it seemed to take a long time to relax.

Carly had got her all thinking with her persistent questions. What kind of kiss _was_ it? Sam knew the answer to that one at least. Basically, it was fine. Nice, even. No bad breath, boy kept his tongue to himself... But that didn't make it real.

* * *

The weekend passed, another week of school began. Carly kept Jude on a short leash. Sam barely saw the guy the first few days, and since this meant no one was expecting her to play the part of 'dork's girlfriend', everything kind of did go back to normal, just like Carly had said.

Except sometimes they'd be hanging at Carly's place, just the three of them. Or in the cafeteria at school, or standing around their lockers. And she'd meet Freddie's eyes and then have to quickly look away because she could just tell he was suddenly thinking about how they'd kissed, _again_. And that made _her_ think about it, and that flash of awkwardness? That was definitely not normal. In fact it hadn't ever happened before except for that week or so after the _first_ time they'd kissed, when it had happened frequently.

If someone had asked Sam a year ago if she would ever spend any time thinking about -- let alone actually _kissing_ Fredward 'the nub' Benson, she would have laughed, and then punched that someone for being so stupid. Sure, the circumstances had been totally justifiable both times it had happened, but that didn't make it any less disturbing.

But lingering weirdness with Freddie aside, as long as they didn't have to spend time with Carly's boyfriend things were going fine. And then it was Thursday afternoon, and Sam was sitting by herself in the Groovy Smoothie, when in walked Jude.

School had just let out and the place was starting to fill up, but he saw her right away and come over to her table and helped himself to a seat across from her. There was really no reason to tell the guy to get lost, so she just lifted a hand briefly in acknowledgement from where she was doodling in her math book in a not-so-imaginative attempt to not do her homework.

"Hey Jude," she said.

He smiled a little ruefully. "Never gets old, does it?"

"Your parents ever apologise?"

"I'm still waiting on that." He gestured over at the counter. "Can I get you a smoothie or something?"

"Nah, I'm waiting for Carly to get here. She's buying." She smiled to herself at the thought. If one good thing had come out of all this...

Jude smiled back for no reason, and gave an easy shrug. "No problem, I'm not going to be horning in on BFF time or anything. Just thought I'd catch Carly if I could before I gotta book."

"Uh-huh." Back to her picture of Freddie being mauled by wolves. Jude was good-looking, but man, the guy was boring.

"So you and Freddie, how's that going?"

"Excuse me?"

"You've been together for a while now, right?"

Carefully, she closed her notebook, leaving the pen inside to mark her place. She folded her hands on the table and met Jude's bland, friendly gaze with a hard stare. "Look, I know you and Freddork bro-ed it up on Saturday night, and god only knows what Carly's been telling you about me. But the fact is that I don't take to people all that well, and until we know each other a lot better you should consider any and all personal questions to be none of your damn business."

His eyes wide and now sitting back in his chair, Jude said, "You're pretty intense."

She nodded once. "It's not personal. I'm hostile to most people."

He chuckled, like she'd been joking. She let it pass for now, the boy would learn in time. "That's funny. I see why Carly likes you -- and why Freddie is so into you."

Now she was the one sitting back in her chair. "Whhhyyyy?" she asked warily.

"I mean at first I didn't get it, but then just hanging out with all of you the other night -- like when we were watching the movie? Every time I looked over you guys were always having these little play fights over food and stuff, and that whole calling each other silly names thing, it's just, you guys crack me up."

As Jude spoke, it just got worse and worse, and an awful realisation welled up inside her. She almost didn't want to ask. But no, she had to know. "So what's with all the questions about us? I know you were grilling Freddie on Saturday night."

"Oh. Have I been weirding you guys out?" He looked sheepish, and Sam's bad feeling solidified like a kick to the stomach. "Don't tell Carly, she'll think I'm totally lame. It's just that the three of you are so tight and I really like Carly. And uh, someone told me if I want to get closer to her, then I should try to get to know you guys better."

"Someone?" she questioned tightly.

"My little sister? Hey, she's in seventh grade. She knows things."

"Cute," she ground out. Dude had no idea how close he was to losing teeth.

Finally, he started to pick up on the vibe, although for all the wrong reasons. "You're totally going to tell Carly all this, aren't you?"

"We don't keep secrets, sorry dude."

Except she had no idea how she was going to let it be known that actually, there'd never been any need to make out with Freddie, that the fake couple thing had been working all along, that Jude had never been suspicious, he was just a total nub.

On the other hand, if she somehow 'forgot' to mention this particular piece of news, then she had no reason to kick Freddie as hard as she was planning on kicking him the very next time she saw him. The big dork. It was bad enough kissing him when there'd been a good reason for it. Now it turned out he'd just over-reacted about the whole thing. And looking back at what had happened outside the ice cream store, it looked like she'd over-reacted right along with him. Which was just plain embarrassing.

Yeah, maybe she just wouldn't mention it after all.

"Hey, speak of the devil," Jude said suddenly.

She looked up expecting to see Carly finally arriving.

It wasn't Carly.

Freddie had come in with a couple of his AV geek squad buddies. He looked around and spotted them right away, his eyes taking in her and Jude sitting there together. He lifted his head in a quick greeting, then stood with his friends for a while discussing who had the most nubbish hair -- or so Sam assumed, what else could they possibly have to talk about?

She watched him as he stood there, his back turned, stupid Freddie in his stupid ugly striped shirt. She wanted to round on Jude and demand to know how he could possibly think they were really dating.

Jude was checking his watch when she turned her steely gaze in his direction. He said, "Carly said she had to meet with a teacher after school, right? She texted me before."

"Yeah, I think Henning wanted to see her about something," Sam confirmed.

"'Cause I gotta go in a minute. Can you tell her I'm sorry I missed her?"

"Yeah, I can do that."

"Thanks. Oh hey Freddie." He lifted his fist to greet the other boy as he sat down, and Freddie bumped it back.

"What are you doing here?" was Sam's way of greeting him, only just managing not to give in to her urge to kick, to kick _hard_.

"Carly said we were doing smoothies after school."

"_We_ were. I didn't hear anything about dorks being invited."

Freddie shot a nervous look at Jude, but the guy just laughed as he got up to go. "You two are classic, you know that? Gotta run, sorry Freddie. Stay cool, Sam."

He was gone then and Freddie looked at her questioningly. "What was that?"

"Oh haven't you heard, Jude thinks we're an adorable couple."

"Oh, well good. That... is good, right? I mean, for Carly?"

She couldn't keep it in any longer. "Why are you doing this?" she exploded at him.

"What do you mean?"

"This whole stupid plan of Carly's! You could have sabotaged it any time you wanted, just let something slip about still liking Carly, or pretend that I forced you to drop the act. Carly wouldn't even have blamed you and then Jude might have broken up with her for lying to him and you'd go back to stalking an available girl instead of one who's happily taken."

Freddie's face was screwed up in complete confusion. "Huh?"

"Ugh! What is the matter with you?!"

"You're the one asking me that question? Are you okay? I thought --"

"Look, Jude's not here anymore, so there's no reason for us to be seen together is there. I'm out of here."

"Sam!" he protested futilely.

She stood up and ran right into Carly.

"Hey, whoa, what's with all the rushin'?" Carly joked as they disentangled themselves.

"Ask Freddie, he's the one who's so annoying I'm not even staying for my free smoothie."

"Freddie, what'd you do?"

"Uh, exist?" he replied, sounding irritated.

"Exactly, now just apologise to the universe and we'll all feel a little better."

"Hey, I --"

"Guys! Sam come on, sit back down. Freddie will be nice."

"I'm always nice!"

"And I was just leaving."

"No, stay. I have something to talk to you about, it's for iCarly." She tugged again on Sam's arm and she reluctantly dropped back down in her chair.

"Oh yeah, Jude was here a minute ago," she said, belatedly remembering her message for the other girl. "He says sorry he missed you."

"Yeah, he texted me, he's so sweet. And thoughtful. Was his hair all messy? But in a good way? It's always a little messy after school because he's been running his hands through it all day. I love that."

Part of her was tempted to get into a lengthy discussion of Jude's hair just because she knew it would bug the hell out of Freddie. But she was more interested in getting out of there so she brought Carly back on topic. "Dude, focus."

"Right, iCarly. Oh, can we get smoothies first? I need blended fruit."

She nodded and agreed because, well, blended fruit sounded good. Free blended fruit sounded even better. Freddie got up to help -- butt-kisser -- and she amused herself by staring balefully at the back of his head and seeing how many times she could get him to look over his shoulder self-consciously. Result: three times. Might have been more, except he caught her doing it the last time and so she opened her math book back up and returned to working on her Freddie vs. the wolves masterpiece.

When they came back to the table and Sam got her hands on her smoothie, she barely listened as Carly went straight into her explanation. But then, she was dividing her attention between Carly's voice, sucking down the sweet strawberry goodness of her smoothie, _and_ getting the bloody dismembered limbs looking just right.

"Okay, it's what Mr Henning wanted to see me about," Carly was saying. "You guys know the Spring Dance is coming up in a few weeks? Well the money from the tickets sales are going to charity, some save the rainforest thing I think, and Mr Henning wanted to ask if we'd promote the dance on iCarly this week -- mention it's for a good cause and how all the cool kids will be there, that sort of thing -- oh, including me, did I tell you guys Jude already asked me? Not that we need to tell people that on the show. Although it is awesome."

"Well that sounds okay," Freddie said. "It's for a good cause."

Sam shrugged. "Sure, whatever, I can talk up the dance. Long as that doesn't mean I have to _go_ to the dance."

"You don't want to go to the dance?" Carly said.

"Little problem, your BF will be expecting me and Freddie to go as a couple. That ain't happening. Sorry Carls," she added sincerely. "I'm done with the Mrs Fredward Dorkhead gig. In public, anyway. Whatever you want to keep telling Jude is fine as long as I don't have to have anything to do with it."

She didn't know herself how much she meant it until the words came out of her mouth, but it was the truth, she was Done. Capital 'D'. Watching Carly's face, the other girl knew it too, even if she didn't know why.

"Oh." She looked crestfallen and Sam was on the brink of feeling bad about it but then Carly brightened. "Well hey, the dance isn't for another few weeks. And I don't think Jude is worried about Freddie liking me anymore. We can always say that you guys broke up, then you can go to the dance with whoever you want."

"Whatever. I gotta go." She reached for her drink, only to grasp thin air. She looked around and zeroed in on the cup in Freddie's hand. "Dude, you're drinking my smoothie!"

Freddie started in surprise as she yelled at him. "Oh, sorry I must've picked up yours by mistake. I only took a sip!" Quickly he tried to hand it back to her but she just looked at it, beyond annoyed. It was like he'd done it on purpose just to cheese her off. Rather than shrinking in fear, though, Freddie rolled his eyes. "Oh, what, you want to swap I guess? Mine is still almost full so that's totally fair." With a sigh he pushed his own cup towards her.

"Hey I don't want your backwash."

"Oh come on Sam, don't you think we must be immune to each other's cooties by now?"

She gaped at him, not quite believing he'd actually just said that.

At the same time Freddie's eyes widened and he tried to backtrack. "No, I didn't mean because of _that_, I just meant -- you know, 'cause you're always helping yourself to my food and licking all my stuff! That's all!"

"You do do that a lot," Carly contributed, in a vain attempt to lighten the mood. "Come on, aren't we all cootie sisters here?" She paused. "And cootie brother?"

Sam found she had absolutely nothing to say. Instead, she drew both smoothies, hers and Freddie's, over towards her. She calmly took off the lids. Then she picked up both cups and upended them over Freddie's head.

She scooped up her notebook and grabbed her bag where it was hanging over the back of her chair. "Bye Carls."

"Bye Sam," Carly responded weakly.

The sight of Freddie dripping with cold smoothie goop all down his face and clothes was a good one. When she left, she was actually feeling a little better.


	7. Chapter 7

With the smoothie incident fresh in her mind, Carly wasn't sure what to expect at school the next morning. World war three was a possibility. But they did have a webshow to put on that night and she kind of didn't need that..

Freddie had gone to school early that morning for an AV club meeting, so the first time she saw him was right before class when he came over to their lockers. "Hey Carly," he said. "_Sam,_" he added in a very different tone.

She could see Sam smirking as she rummaged in her locker, but then Miss Smirky looked over and caught Carly's eye, and Carly gave her a look. She seemed to get the message, because she was a smart girl, no matter what most teachers since the first grade said.

She must have, anyway, because she shut her locker with a loud clang and said, "Hey Fredkenstein, it's possible I overreacted with the whole coating you with Blueberry Blat thing."

"It's _possible?_" Freddie said.

She shrugged. "Right. I'm not saying I did overreact, merely acknowledging the possibility of it. You know you still smell like fruit chunks?"

"Aw man, I shampooed three times!" Freddie exclaimed.

Then Sam laughed and made a comment about his mother's shampoo contract, which Freddie vigorously denied was still a thing, and that was it, they were friends again. Apparently. Whatever passed for friendship between the two of them anyway.

Carly was relieved. There was a time an incident like the previous afternoon's would have meant they were at each other's throats for days. So she was relieved, but that wasn't all she was.

She only noticed it because she was watching them so closely, afraid they would start fighting at any moment. What she ended up seeing, what she wasn't even sure they themselves were aware of, was that neither of them had looked each other in the eye. Not once.

* * *

"Now as some of you watching might know, in just a few weeks our school is having a spring dance," Carly said.

"The theme of which is 'Rainforest Walk'," Sam added.

The two girls put their heads together and shook them slowly in unison.

"Oh, Mr Henning."

"Seriously. Not okay."

"But!" Carly went on brightly. "It's gonna be fun anyway."

"As long as you're not allergic to crêpe-paper trees."

"Right, as long as you don't suffer from the most obscure allergy in the world, it's going to be a blast."

"A rockin' good time for one and all."

"So buy lots of tickets, it's for a good cause. Trees. _The real kind._"

"Bring your cousin if you can't get a real date!" Sam suggested with fake enthusiasm.

Carly stepped in front of her to point straight down the camera lens. "You should absolutely not bring your cousin if you can't get a real date."

Sam elbowed her way back into frame. "'Cause that's just lame."

"And creepy."

"Like Freddie!" Sam finished gleefully. Carly looked at her disapprovingly. "What? You left that one wide open."

At that, Freddie turned the camera around to show his face. "She kind of did," he agreed.

They finished off the show with a video of a kid and a dog both walking on their hands -- well, the dog walked on its front paws, but it was still impressive.

Once Freddie announced they were clear Carly turned to Sam. "You want to go shopping tomorrow? I need to start looking for a dress."

"For the dance?"

"Yeah, we can look for yours, too."

"Eh," Sam waved dismissively at her and dropped into a bean bag. "I told you I'm not going."

"You might find someone to go with," she said. Involuntarily she looked over at Freddie, who was doing his usual post-show computer stuff.

"Not happening," Sam said sharply.

"What, you don't want to go with one of your scary cousins -- assuming they're out on parole?" Freddie said teasingly, though without turning his attention from the laptop. "It's always an option."

"If the alternative is going with you it doesn't look so bad," Sam muttered, making Freddie look over at her, frowning. "I just don't think the dance is a great idea," she went on quickly. "I don't wanna make things hard for you and the BF. S'okay, not like I was all psyched about it to begin with."

"No! I want you there, it won't be fun without you. Man, I'm really sick of this freakin' lie," Carly said. She pressed a hand to her stomach, feeling all queasy and bleh. It happened lately every time she thought about the _stupid_ lie that had taken over her life for the past two weeks. "I hate being dishonest, and it's not fair to you guys. Also I think I'm getting a stomach ulcer."

"It'll be fine so long as you don't crack and tell the guy the truth," Sam reasoned.

Freddie scoffed. "Of course you would advocate doing the wrong thing." He turned to Carly. "Look, you hate to lie, you hate secrets, you're not being yourself with Jude, and that's not good."

"You think I should tell him I lied?"

He shrugged. "Maybe."

Sam said, "Of course you'd want her to do the one thing that'll get her dumped."

Carly cringed inwardly. Now there was going to be fighting.

On cue, Freddie said, "I just want her to do what's right for her."

"I don't want her to be right, I want her to be happy," Sam argued.

"Oh, like you were with that Pete guy when you were pretending to be all floofy and girly? Face it, you were much happier when you could just be yourself."

"Maybe that _was_ me being myself! Just a different part of me! And why are we talking about my ex-boyfriend anyway?!"

"It's relevant to the conversation!"

"Uh, guys?" Carly said.

"All that's relevant is that Carly told one measly lie to cover up for the giant freakshow that is _you_ and your twisted little fantasies about her!"

"Guys?" she tried again, louder this time.

"You can keep making out that I want to sabotage Carly and Jude all you like, I'm not, I'm just _trying_ to be a good friend!"

"That's what _I'm_ trying to do!"

"Fine."

"Fine."

Suddenly they both turned and looked at Carly, expectant looks on their faces. "What?" she said. "Now I'm involved in the conversation? The very _loud_ conversation?"

"Come on," said Sam.

"Which of us do you think is right?" said Freddie.

"Oh. I..." She wavered for a moment, then made a beeline for the door. "I need to take a shower. Or maybe drink a glass of milk or something." She pressed a hand to her stomach. "Before something ruptures!"

She heard the footsteps on the stairs behind her as she made her way down to the kitchen. Once there she poured herself a glass of milk, and went searching for cookies because who drank plain milk past the age of five? Ew.

"Freddie's sorry for causing you so much undue stress and, you know, for having a face like that," Sam said from somewhere behind her.

Freddie apparently didn't blink at having the blame shifted onto him. He just gave some of it back. "Sam's sorry for the same stuff. Including the face thing."

"You guys haven't done anything wrong," she told them, after emerging from a cabinet with a package of Oreos. "I'm the one who started all this." She sighed, and tore into the package. "I just want things to go back to normal."

She almost missed it then, too busy self-medicating with chocolate, but Sam and Freddie looked at each other -- wait, no, they _almost_ looked at each other. At the last moment their eyes dropped away. Ugh, she so wasn't imagining how weird they were being.

Sam said, "Ah, stop worrying so much. Mall tomorrow, right? We'll find you an awesome dress. Shopping always makes you feel better."

"Yeah," she agreed. Well Sam was right, it really did. She sipped her milk and twisted open another cookie.

Sam meanwhile had reached into the bag and gathered a double handful. "I'm gonna get going. I'll call you in the morning?"

"Okay."

"Sure you got enough provisions there?" Freddie said.

"Don't start with me, Benson."

Still no eye contact. But Freddie turned to watch her go, and Carly watched him watch her go.

Okay, they'd been on one fake date and ended up kissing _again _and now they were being all weird and she _had_ to talk to them about it. Freddie first, of course, he was the weak link. She eyed him as he stood there idly reaching for a cookie.

"Hey. Are things okay with you and Sam?"

He gave her an odd look, almost wary, she noted. "Are they ever?"

"Well, usually? Yeah, they are."

"I guess things might be a little..." He shrugged. "You noticed?"

"I notice things!" she said defensively, and then deflated. "It's my fault, isn't it?"

He took a breath to speak, then hesitated.

"You're trying to think of a nice way to tell me it's totally my fault, aren't you?" She stuffed another cookie in her mouth.

"Kinda. But no, look, it'll be okay. Like you just said, things just have to get back to normal."

She swallowed. "Oh yeah, how's that working out for ya?"

"Well I haven't been sucker-punched in the throat in almost two weeks. On the other hand, I was forced to take a smoothie bath yesterday."

"I'd say that's pretty normal."

"For my life, actually, yes it is." He had a little smile on his face as he said it, though.

Carly ate another cookie.

* * *

The next day Carly spent mostly sleeping in, followed by shopping and then seeing Jude that night. It was a proper date, just the two of them at a nice restaurant, and she loved it. She just had to live with the simmering queasiness that recurred every time Sam and Freddie were mentioned, because it reminded her that Jude had no idea his girlfriend was lying to him.

On Sunday morning it was just her and Spencer, hanging out watching cartoons and attempting to eat their own weight in various breakfast cereals.

It struck her suddenly, almost from nowhere, in the middle of a fast food commercial. She _had_ to talk to someone. And that someone was sitting beside her.

"Spencer," she burst out, "I really need to talk about something!"

Spencer calmly muted the television and bounced around on the sofa cushion to face her. "Sure, hock one at me."

"Ew?"

"Yeah," he gave a happy little sigh, pleased with himself. "But all right, come on, tell me what's the prob."

She took a deep breath, and began. "I told Jude a _huge_ lie, because I was afraid he wasn't going to want to be my boyfriend, and then he did want to be my boyfriend and I was really happy, but now I can't stop thinking about it, and Sam and Freddie are being all weird, and I don't know what's going on there but I know it's my fault, and now I'm just this horrible person because nice people don't lie to people they really like just to get them to like them more, right?"

"Uh... riiiight?"

"Spencer!"

"Well you're very shrill and you were talking really fast! But!" He held up a hand to silence her. "I caught something about lying?"

She nodded miserably. "Jude was worried about Freddie having a crush on me. I told him Freddie had a girlfriend, and was totally over me, which, that part might be kind of true I'm starting to think. But the part about him and Sam being a couple, not so much. You know last weekend, when the four of us hung out at the mall together? That was really a fake double date. Sam and Freddie have been pretending to like each other. Sometimes really badly. Other times, maybe a little too well."

"Huh. This is all coming at me rather sudden."

"Sorry. But seriously, I need you to tell me what to do. I'm afraid the next time I see Jude I'm gonna puke all over him!" Spencer gave her a questioning look at that. "The stress is getting to me. I don't deal well with a guilty conscience."

"Who does?"

"Oh and now I think Sam and Freddie _do _like each other. But that might just be the ulcer talkin'."

Spencer, though, gasped loudly and started gesticulating wildly in excitement. "Oh! So do I! They totally like each other! I mean, hey, I don't even think I knew that's what I thought until you said it? But then it was like," he stopped to make sound effects and mime his head exploding. "And then I just knew. You know?"

"No, I _don't_ know. All I know is they're acting a little like pod people. Pod people who keep _kissing_ each other." She huffed irritatedly. "I don't think Sam or Freddie are all that clued in, either. It's like things have changed, and they don't even know it. What's with that?"

"Are you sure they don't know?" Spencer said, sounding very wise.

"They better not know! If they know something and aren't telling me about it that's a clear violation of the full disclosure agreement we've recently set in place to deal with this exact type of thing."

"Right, 'cause keeping things from people is wrong."

"Shut up!"

"'Kay, shutting up. This cereal is really good, isn't it? Mmm. Grainy."

He sat beside her, munching away, until she cracked. "Aw man, I think I have to tell Jude the truth."

"I think you do, too."

She frowned down into her bowl. Stupid Spencer, instilling her with morals and a conscience and stuff. Some people did perfectly well without them, just look at Sam, she thought.

But she wasn't Sam, she was Carly Shay. And that meant she had to come clean before the lying and all its associated stresses killed her.

Now if only she could get her two best friends to do the same.

Her cell phone vibrated on the coffee table suddenly, her ring tone sounding half a second later, and she reached over to pick it up.

"Oh, it's Jude!" she announced happily, before remembering what she'd just decided to do. "Oh no, it's Jude."

Spencer got up from the couch, patting her shoulder. "Good luck with, you know, all that."

Reluctantly, she brought the phone to her ear. "Hello?"

"Hi, Carly," said Jude.

"Hi!" she replied. "I had such a great time last night. Right now I'm just sittin' here, watchin' TV... Um. How are you?"

"I'm good, I'm good, hey uh... Listen, I kinda have to talk to you about something. Is this a good time?"

"Yeah, I can talk. Actually," she said, and realised she felt better as soon as she started to get the words out, "Actually, I have something I want to talk to you about, too."

"Oh that's cool, but I really need to go first, is that okay?"

Well actually, now that she'd decided the 'fess up, she really wanted to just spit it out, the whole sordid web of lies and deception, and get it over with. But instead she said, "Sure, go ahead."

"Well, oh man, you're not going to be too happy about this. Uh, you know my little sister Angie?"

"Yeah, how's she doing?"

"Not great once I'm done with her," he said grimly. "Sorry, but she's always getting into my room, going through my stuff -- typical little sister. But this morning I left my laptop on in my room while I went out to shoot some hoops, and when I came back I found her reading some of our chat logs."

"What?" Carly said.

"I know, man, she's such a brat. I would have killed her anyway, but the first thing she says to me is, 'are Sam Puckett and Freddie Benson really dating?' She must have read parts where we were talking about them, maybe stuff about last weekend -- we've been chatting kind of a lot. I tried to deny it, but she just ignored me and ran off."

She laughed in disbelief, but there was no humour in it. "What?" she said again, a little more seriously this time.

"Yeah, it gets worse, because then she shut herself in her room and barricaded the door, and by the time I got to her she'd already told a bunch of people about it. I'm thinking people at school are probably going to find out now. I'm --"

"_What?_" she screeched, jumping up from the couch.

"I'm really sorry," his voice reached her ear as she just stood there gaping in horror. "I know Sam and Freddie wanted it kept private. I swear I'm going to kill Angie. And after that I'm going to make her tell everyone she was just making it all up or something. Carly?" he prompted after a few seconds when she still hadn't said anything.

"Well, I mean, how many people can she have told?" Carly said. "Like, a few of her friends?"

Angie was in the seventh grade, after all. Who was going to care what a few seventh-graders thought they knew?

Jude cleared his throat awkwardly. "Yeah, it's just that, well, she has quite a few subscribers to her splashface channel. Apparently she, um... She made a video blog about it."

"Oh. A video blog. Okay. How many is 'a few'?"

"Like... a few hundred?"

"Oh. Jude? I have to go, call you later, bye." She quickly ended the call, drawing the phone away from her face and just staring at it for a minute. "Oh my god," she said.

If the rumour got around school it was going to be bad, very bad. Wait, if? Who was she kidding, of _course _it was going to get around school. She was going to have to tell Sam and Freddie, to warn them what they were going to be walking into tomorrow morning. Oh yeah, those phone calls were going to be fun. She didn't even want to think about how Sam was going to react.

"Carly, what's the matter?" Spencer's worried voice broke through the haze of shock, dismay, and rising panic.

"I have to go take a shower!" she told him, and started for the stairs.

"Well that's not a good sign at all," Spencer said.


	8. Chapter 8

Monday was going to be a pain, Freddie knew this as soon as he woke up in the morning to find an indignant text from Gibby on his phone. Gibby apparently wanted to know why he had been kept out of the loop on the big news about Freddie and Sam. The text message came with an attached picture of Gibby, looking stern, with no shirt on.

'There is no big news. False rumour!' Freddie texted back, before throwing some clothes on and hurriedly trying to finish his breakfast under his mother's watchful eye -- but not too hurriedly, because he did not need to hear the why-we-chew-our-food-carefully rhyme again. He had to be at school early that morning for an AV club meeting before class.

The problem was, apparently it _was_ big news.

The topic kept the other AV club members preoccupied when they were supposed to be in the middle of their meeting. After a few minutes Freddie gave up trying to explain that none of it was true, that it was just a rumour with no basis in fact, but his friends seemed happy enough to discuss it amongst themselves.

"Hey, remember when Sam made him eat that bug in seventh grade?" said Jeremy, one of these so-called friends. Freddie ignored him. This was a lot easier to do since Jeremy had grown out of the worst of his allergies in the past year. Poor guy had developed a bit of an acne problem instead, but even he agreed it was far better than all the sneezing.

"What about when she pantsed him in front of everybody?" supplied a tenth-grader named Tim.

"Which time?" said Jeremy.

They all laughed. Freddie grimly concentrated on his laptop.

"Hey and that time she punched him so hard he threw up!"

"I'd just eaten a really big meal," Freddie broke in defensively. All right, so ignoring them wasn't working all that well.

"Oh, and when we went on that class field trip last year and she pushed him in front of the bus?"

He rolled his eyes. "It was coming to a stop! I bounced right off it."

"Hey, we're not judging you man," said Malcolm, a loud kid with thick glasses. "Sam Puckett is the meanest girl in school, but she's hot."

"She could pants me any day, if you know what I mean."

"Yeah," someone else agreed. "Not as hot as Carly Shay, but still tasty."

Freddie made a face. One downside to having girls as best friends was how much it bothered him when he heard other guys saying stuff like that about them. And then he had to do this. "Guys, come on, cut it out. You're talking about two of my best friends."

It wasn't even fair, anyway, comparing them like that. Carly was all girly, while Sam was all... not, somehow managing to still be pretty wearing yesterday's clothes with ketchup in her hair... Well she _was_ pretty. Even if he would never say it out loud. If this bunch of, all right he could admit it, kind of socially awkward guys could see it then it wasn't a big surprise if he did, too.

He cleared his throat. His not-at-all nerdy friends were all giving him the same sort of look -- that look they got when they remembered who exactly he spent the majority of his time with. A mix of awe and envy and grudging respect. "And for the last time, I'm not dating either of them!" he said, and got a bunch of doubtful looks in return. "Seriously, I'm not! Now can we get on with the meeting already?"

There were a few shrugs, and the guys moved to take their usual seats around the room.

Jeremy sidled over to Freddie, who was setting up the display, "You're not dating Sam, for real?"

"No, I am not," he confirmed. Glad if only because someone finally someone seemed to believe him.

"Y-you think she'd go out with me?"

He almost laughed. "What?"

Jeremy sighed. "She is really hot. I think I've always been too afraid of her to notice. You think she'd say yes if I asked her out?"

"No." Jeremy's face fell and he hurried to add, "Uh, sorry. I don't think you're her type."

"But --"

"No." He patted him on the shoulder in a show of commiseration, and Jeremy shuffled off to find a seat. Glad to finally get down to business, Freddie hit the last button and started the meeting. He really could not wait until this day was over. And technically, school hadn't even started yet.

* * *

By lunch he was getting paranoid. It felt like everywhere he went, sitting in class, walking through the halls, everyone was talking about it. He knew he was probably imagining it, or most of it, anyway, and that his dating habits were really not universally interesting. But even if _everyone_ wasn't talking about it, enough people were to make him glance around warily as he stood in line in the cafeteria. At any moment someone else might approach him and start interrogating him about his love life.

Making it through the lunch queue unaccosted, he made it over to their usual table to find that Carly had brought a bottle of Pepto-Bismol to lunch with her. This told him everything he needed to know about her current state of mind.

He knew she'd decided to tell Jude the truth after all, but hadn't managed to actually do it before being sidetracked with a whole new thing to worry about. He started on his lunch, watching Carly chase her side salad with a swig of pepto.

When Sam joined them some time later she slammed her tray down and dropped into the chair next to Carly. "Man, they only had strawberry pudding left. Who eats strawberry frickin' pudding?" she complained.

For a second he saw her eyeing the chocolate pudding sitting uneaten on his own tray. He assumed she was going to grab it and claim it for herself, but then she just switched to glaring down at her plate of meatloaf. Feeling a small flush of disappointment -- what, suddenly his food wasn't good enough for her? -- he followed her example, carefully studying his own uninspiring lunch before taking a bite.

"Where have you been?" Carly asked Sam. "Lunch is nearly over."

"Chet Winters was bugging me. I had to spend some valuable eating time stuffing the guy in a locker."

Freddie frowned. "But Chet Winters is six feet tall. And our lockers are half-size."

"Yeah, it took some doing."

Carly sighed, but her tone was accepting. "That's my girl."

The three of them ate in silence for a minute, Sam, her lunch delayed, shovelled down her meatloaf and tater-tots like it was freshly baked ham.

Carly sighed again and took another swallow of the lurid pink liquid. Freddie knew she wanted to say something, but none of them, it seemed, really wanted to talk about it.

"So," she said finally, her voice high and nervous, "How are things?"

"Oh just peachy," Sam replied around a mouthful of food.

"Freddie?" Carly tried hopefully.

He shrugged. "At least I already know what it's like, having the entire school talking about you," he said, eyeing his limp salad portion. "I guess this really isn't as bad as that other time." There was a lot less pointing and laughing this time, at least.

"Yeah, for you maybe," Sam said, stabbing a tot with her fork. "No one cares what you do. I'm the one getting grief for going out with the king of the nubs. It's humiliating. But you don't see me running home to cry about it for a whole week."

Grimly he forked up some shredded lettuce. He couldn't believe she was going there. That whole thing had been her fault. "Gee you don't think you're exaggerating a little?"

"No, you really did run home to cry by yourself for a whole week because some kids were pointing and laughing at you. Like they haven't been doing that your whole life."

His fist tightened on his fork. "I meant that--"

"Yeah, I know what you meant."

"Would you guys stop talking to your tater tots and actually look at each other?" Carly pleaded suddenly. She had a vibrant pink moustache and the little bottle was by now almost empty.

"I don't wanna look at that while I'm eating," Sam replied. "You want us both chugging down the pepto?"

Freddie really didn't need this today. He stood up, gathering his tray, and scrounged up an excuse for Carly, who was looking up at him with big upset eyes. "I've got a Spanish quiz after lunch, I want to read over my notes. Adios, mis amigos."

He dumped the contents of his tray in the trash, momentarily thinking he should have left his pudding for Sam, before dismissing the thought. She probably would have just thrown it back in his face.

Inevitably, by the time he got out of the noisy cafeteria and was on his way to the Spanish classroom he was feeling a little bad. He didn't want to fight with Sam. Well, not like that. Fighting with her had gotten a lot less fun lately. He just wished everything could go back to normal.

* * *

He walked home with Carly that afternoon after school.

"I want you to give Sam a break," Carly said when the two of them were walking home from school together that afternoon.

"What do you mean? I haven't done anything to her." His tone sounded a little resentful. Maybe even a little petty.

"Look, I hate talking about this because it makes me sound totally conceited but you know a lot of people at school get jealous of us, right? Because we're kind of famous and we get heaps of attention and sometimes we end up on TV or win awards. Some of them kind of hate us, especially me and Sam. They hate you a little too, but you're not in front of the camera that much. Plus you're a boy. No offence."

"So you're saying that Sam really is having a hard time?"

"I think she is. She's trying not to let it get to her..."

"But it really sucks having everyone hassling you about something embarrassing they know about you -- or think they know. I'm an expert, remember?"

She smiled slightly. "I wish you and Sam would talk. I think you need to, I think... I think it might help."

He shrugged. "Anything's possible, I guess," he said doubtfully. He was pretty sure Sam wanted to talk to him just now about as much as she wanted to become a vegetarian. Even though none of this was his fault, because when had that ever stopped her from taking anything out on him?

That was it. Today had royally sucked. On top of everything else, he hadn't done that well on his Spanish quiz. Time to change the subject.

"So how are you and Jude?" he said.

"Oh shut up, you," Carly replied, and they both laughed.

* * *

And then he got home and realised his chiz of a day hadn't even begun.

"Freddie," his mother said as soon as he walked through the door, "Will you come and sit down, please? There's something we need to discuss."

"Okay," he said warily. Her tone was weird. And it almost looked like she'd been crying. He started to get worried. The last time he remembered seeing his mother cry was when he'd lost his last baby tooth.

"Freddie," she said, once they were seated and his mom was looking at him seriously. "I ran into Spencer in the lobby this morning. We were chatting, as neighbours do, and he told me some things. Some things regarding you and young Samantha, about which, I have to say, I'm concerned."

Every thought he'd had -- maybe she was sick, maybe someone they knew had died -- flew out the window and were replaced by a new kind of dread. "Oh god no."

"Particularly when he mentioned that, apparently, there has been _kissing_ involved."

"No no no, listen Mom, it's all a big misunderstanding, I swear!"

"You haven't been kissing anyone?"

"Well," damn his honest nature, "Technically, I have, but --"

"Honey, I realise I'm only your mother and you think you don't need my approval but I can't just let you endanger your health this way. It's not that I don't like Samantha," she said, pausing just long enough to make it clear this was a lie, "But I do question the state of her oral hygiene."

Oh gross. "_Mom!_"

"That's why I bought you a new bottle of extra strength antibacterial mouthwash when I was running errands today." She took a large paper bag that had been sitting on the table along with her purse and a few other shopping bags, and presented it to him. He peered in the bag and saw the most enormous bottle of mouthwash he'd ever seen. "I want you to keep it with you at all times, in case you... well." She paused, flustered. "If you are going to be... doing things like that, all I can do as a mother is make sure you're prepared."

For a kid who had endured years of tick baths, rhyming couplets, and having his temperature taken in completely unnecessary places, it was really saying something that this was one of the most horrifying moments in his entire relationship with his mother.

"Mom," he choked out, his voice cracking in abject humiliation, "I am not doing anything with Sam."

"I understand why you don't feel you can be honest with me. She certainly isn't someone I would have chosen for you to explore your adolescent urges with."

"Oh my god." He buried his face in his hands. His mother had just said 'urges'.

"On the bright side, perhaps she'll be nicer to you now."

"Not likely," he muttered.

"And maybe the other children will be less likely to pick on you if you have someone like that to defend you."

Well that was just ridiculous. Sam? Defend him? The past year had sort of been one long growth spurt and he wasn't getting hassled by older and bigger kids nearly as much as in the eighth grade. _Sam_ was the only one who picked on him anymore. Not that he really thought of that as being picked on, exactly...

None of this he told his mother, he just wearily said, "I can take care of myself, Mom."

"Oh Freddie, I just haven't seen any evidence of that."

"Mom, come on, I'm fifteen now, I --"

"None!" she insisted shrilly, and then took a breath, visibly attempting to calm herself. "When I do," she continued tightly, "I'm sure I'll be very proud. Now, would you like stewed spinach or Lima Bean Surprise as a side dish tonight?"

He just sighed. What was the point?

"You're right, we'll have both," she said, and returned to the kitchen to finish making dinner.

Freddie escaped to his room. He had homework to do, as well as his usual webmaster duties.

Not to mention psychological trauma from which to recover.


End file.
